I’ve lost track of how many times someone has said it, either directly or indirectly.

You’re too much.

You’re a lot.

You could be a little more tactful.

Maybe just… tone it down?

And I’ve also lost track of how many times I’ve tried.

• Tried to keep my tone neutral.
• Tried to swallow my opinions.
• Tried to “pick my battles.”
• Tried to show up “less.”

But here’s what I’ve learned: most of us who’ve been labeled “too much” are not the problem. What we are is passionate. Clear. Fierce. Often protective. And deeply committed to something we believe matters.

The problem isn’t our intensity.

The problem is when that intensity leaks out in ways that others experience as controlling, shaming, or overwhelming, especially when we’re dysregulated or feeling unseen.

If you’ve ever found yourself being “too loud, too honest, too much,” only to be met with resistance, backlash, or disconnection – this post is for you.

Let’s talk about what soft power looks like.

And why it’s not about silencing yourself – but learning to channel your truth in ways that actually get heard.

When Speaking Up Feels Like an Explosion

Maybe it starts with a tight chest, a racing heart, a rising heat.

You’re in a meeting or a conversation. Someone says something off. Harmful. Inaccurate. Misguided. You care. Deeply.

You speak up.

But your words carry more than your message.

They carry your urgency.

Your frustration.

Your fear that no one else sees what you see.

Your childhood wound of being the only one in the room who gets it.

And suddenly, your very valid point gets lost in your tone.

You were advocating, but they heard accusation.

You were passionate, but they felt shamed.

And now?  Disconnection.

The Misunderstood Protector

That fire inside you?

It’s there for a reason.

You may have an inner part (sometimes I call mine the “firecracker”) who rises to protect what feels vulnerable, precious, or at risk. She’s the one who spots injustice in a flash. The one who says, Absolutely not. Not on my watch. She’s fierce. And she has good reason to be.

But sometimes, she’s carrying more than just the present moment.

She’s carrying history.

She’s carrying your childhood powerlessness, your unmet needs, your pain.

When she takes the mic unchecked, she tends to come out hot.

And when others experience that heat, they often experience her as too much.  They shut down.

Not because you’re wrong – but because the energy overwhelms their own system.

Enter: Soft Power

Soft power is the art of keeping your truth intact – while shifting the energy behind it.

It doesn’t mean diluting your message.

It means delivering it in a way that lands.

It’s the difference between:

You’re doing it wrong!

and

I’m worried that the way we’re approaching this might have unintended impact – can we pause and explore together?

It’s not about perfection.

It’s about presence.

When you embody soft power, people feel your steadiness. Your care. Your clarity. And they’re more likely to stay with you in the conversation instead of bracing against you.

Three Keys to Soft Power

Pause Before You Pounce

Notice when your inner firecracker wants to explode.

Instead of leaping into action, breathe. Get curious. What’s getting stirred up in you? What are you protecting?

Soft power begins with self-awareness.

Sometimes I’ll literally whisper to myself, Okay, love, I see you. You want to protect this. Let’s slow down.

Lead with Ownership

Start with your own experience, not with a critique of others.

Try:

I’m noticing I’m feeling really anxious about how this is unfolding.

There’s something tender in me that’s reacting strongly – I’d love to name it.

When you name your inner state first, it invites connection instead of defensiveness.

Stay in Relationship

Soft power is relational.

It’s not just about being right – it’s about being with.

Ask questions. Check in. Stay open. Try:

How did that land for you?

Are we seeing this the same way, or are we in different places?

What are you needing as we talk about this?

What Happens When You Get It Wrong

Spoiler: you will.

We all do.

There will be moments where the fire comes out sideways.

You’ll interrupt.

Or over-explain.

Or get that tone you didn’t mean to have.

Perhaps, someone will say you’re “too much”.

This isn’t a sign to spiral into shame.

It’s an invitation to repair.

You can say:

• I care about this so much, and I think my urgency got in the way of clarity.
• I want to circle back. I said that in a way I’m not proud of. Can we revisit it?
• Underneath my frustration is a lot of love. I didn’t show that clearly – and I want to try again.

When you model that kind of self-awareness and accountability, you invite trust – even after rupture.

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Power and Connection

This is a beautiful thing.

Soft power isn’t about being less. It’s about becoming more effective.

You still get to be passionate.

You still get to name harm.

You still get to bring your full, vibrant voice into the room.

But now… you’re not lighting matches just to be heard.

You’re tending to the fire inside you with care.

And that’s what helps others lean in instead of shutting down.

Try This:

The next time you feel that familiar rush of “I need to say something now,” ask yourself:

• What am I trying to protect?
• What’s the most loving version of this truth?
• What would help this land with both clarity and kindness?

You may still stumble.

You may still be “too much” for some people.

But soft power isn’t about managing others’ comfort.

It’s about delivering your truth in a way that honors yourself and the relationship.

So yes, be honest. Be passionate. Be big.

But also : Be kind. Be aware. Be grounded.

Let your fire be a hearth, not a wildfire.

In Episode 93 of my Conversations from the Heart podcast, I talk with two different callers who both struggle with their intense needs for accuracy, justice, and belonging which others sometimes interpret as “too much”.

For even more strategies, read How to Vent Effectively here on the blog.

How do you manage your intensity in ways that foster connection?  I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.