, Psy.D., LP

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How To Know If You Are Ready For Love

I remember telling my therapist (long, long ago) that the one thing I wanted to work on in therapy was why I was drawn like a moth to a flame to romantic partners who inevitably caused me tremendous distress and heartache.   I could recognize them from a mile away, but inexplicably still sought them out.   Clearly my internal […]

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Why Being “Positive” Might Be Bad For You

Have you noticed the cultural pressure to “Be Positive” or “Be Strong” or “Focus on the Good”? It’s as if we think that acknowledging or empathizing with painful experiences inadvertently creates more of them. I hear it all the time. “I would never do therapy,” someone said to me disdainfully, “All that focus on bad feelings and old stories will […]

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Photo by Josh Calabrese on Unsplash

5 Steps to More Powerful Requests

Whenever I ask for something relational that I’m needing (comfort, affection, to be heard or seen) I feel super vulnerable. This isn’t easy. I worry about: 1. Being turned down 2. Feeling disappointed, and 3. Then judging myself for being too needy, demanding, pushy or selfish. I also sometimes wish people would just read my mind: isn’t it obvious that I […]

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What (Not) To Do When Triggered

As I was helping two people work through a conflict a few weeks ago, one of them turned to me and snapped, “So basically you’re accusing me of being abusive?” I took a deep breath. “OK. Let’s slow down … first, am I understanding what you are telling me accurately: You said you called your partner a liar, […]

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Bi-Partisan Friendships: Bridging the Divide

In a conversation I had last weekend with Roxy Manning and a group of leaders interested in bringing NVC-consciousness to diversity work at institutions of higher education locally, she used a phrase that I love: Focus on engaging, not changing For me this translated into: Be in relationship with one another, and stop leading with so many demands for […]

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Relational Apologies

Have you ever you said “I’m sorry” to someone just to get them to stop being upset with you? From the time we are little, we are often taught to “say you’re sorry” to others, but what does this really mean? Let’s start with a hilarious clip, in which Joey and Ross illustrate beautifully how communication […]

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Transformational Choices

In one of my all time favorites movies,The Matrix, (This clip) Morpheus offers Neo a choice that could transform his life:  “You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I’m […]

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