Blog
One-Up, One-Down? Try One-With
When someone challenges, disagrees with or contradicts you, how do you respond? Does your body tighten-up or gear-up? Do you withdraw, feel shame, get resentful, self-silence? Do you get more activated and engaged and begin to prove your point, bring in evidence, debate and argue the issue? Do you begin avoiding that person or do you start educating and advising them? One of the keys to personal […]
Stop Judging Your Judgments: Do This Instead
Whenever we are stuck and suffering, we get ensnared by victim mentality: an intricate collection of judgmental thinking patterns that we inherited from our cultures and upbringing. This inner part of us gets caught up in complaining, fault-finding, gossiping and worrying. And, the more we feed this part of ourselves, the more we harm ourselves […]
Recovering from Reactivity
As I was walking across a parking lot, carrying a package to a UPS store, a man passed me walking towards his car. Moments later, he yelled back at me, with some hostility, “Hey lady, do you think you could park any closer to my car?” I turned around, embarrassed, and headed back to my car. “I’m so […]
Too Emotional? Are You Sure?
Working with some educational leaders recently on improving schools, someone remarked,“The problem is simply that many of our teachers are just too emotional.” Years of experience hearing comments like this in schools and companies has taught me to slow down and ask more questions. “What do you mean by “too emotional”? What are they saying […]
This Daily Practice Works Wonders
I recently asked a team of leaders what I could work on to become even more effective in my work with them. You know what they told me? They wanted to be held more accountable to the insights they were developing. One person elaborated, saying she loved the insights she was getting during our coaching time, but […]
Rock that Boat (with Empathy).
This week I set some new boundaries with people I love. I asked for what I wanted, knowing it would be counter-cultural. It wasn’t easy. I was scared. Normally, I’d just manage the conflict internally, and not “get real” with myself or others about what I actually wanted. I’d tell myself I was meeting my […]
That Moment (3 Steps for Repair Work)
When I am tired or low on interpersonal resources, I find it difficult to show up with compassion and grace. I sink back into judgmental, controlling and reactive habits even though I know they are self-sabotaging and unlikely to result in what I actually want. One thing I have recently noticed though, when things go […]
Powerful Choices
I have been reflecting upon questions of power, consciousness and choice. Caroline Myss (one of my favorite teachers, despite her judgmental style) often talks about how our choices are our fundamental power. As I was preparing for my talk on Conscious Commitments last Sunday, I found myself thinking more deeply about the choices I’ve made […]
Hindsight, foresight and insight
It’s been a whirlwind of catching up since I returned from Egypt, along with a good dose of slowing down and – unfortunately – getting sick. Ugh. This morning I am sitting at my desk, looking out my window at the 15+ inches of snowfall we got last weekend and feeling grateful for the sunshine. […]
The Edge of Comfort
Last week, I got an full immersion experience into what it means to work at the edge of my comfort zone and expand into my yesses. When I was invited to be a guest on Marianne Combs’ show on Minnesota Public Radio along with Resmaa Menakem to talk about anger in the public sphere, I responded with an enthusiastic yes. And then terror set it. What exactly had I […]