Deciding when to stay in a relationship and when to let go is never easy.

Whether we’re dealing with a marriage, a friendship, or a past romantic connection, these decisions can feel overwhelming and fraught with uncertainty.

How do we know when it’s time to work through the challenges and when it’s better to walk away?

Let’s use some real life examples from Episode 65 of Conversations from the Heart to explore how three different people approach these difficult choices.  As we walk through them, I’ll highlight some steps we could each take whenever we want to get clearer on the right path for ourselves.

1. Understanding Our Core Needs and Values

The first caller shared the challenge of navigating a troubled marriage while raising three children. He recognized that, if it weren’t for the kids, he might already have separated from his spouse and that the clarity we might have when its “just two of us” becomes more complex when multiple people are involved and impacted by our decisions. Our conversation highlights a critical first step in making these decisions: taking the time to understand what matters most. For him, tuning into what would best serve the wellbeing of his children was a driving force, and we explored how considering family structure as well as the happiness of the parents might impact his decision.

Whenever we find ourselves in a similar situation, it’s helpful to ask: *What are my core needs and values?*

Are you staying because the relationship aligns with your values, or because of a fear of change?

Getting clear on what truly matters to you—like stability for your children, personal happiness, or mutual respect—can serve as a compass to guide you through tough decisions.

2. Assessing the Impact of Staying or Leaving

For the first caller, understanding that a stable family unit doesn’t necessarily guarantee a positive environment for the children was key. If conflict is constant, or if being in the relationship leads to ongoing pain and dissatisfaction, staying may not serve anyone’s best interests. Research has shown that children fare better when their caregivers are genuinely happy, even if that means the parents live separately.

To explore this, try visualizing multiple possibilities:

What would life look like if you stayed? What would it look like if you left? Think about your emotional health, the atmosphere at home, and how these changes would impact others involved. Gauging when to stay and when to let go is complicated and nuanced.  Sometimes, imagining the future with each decision can help us get a sense of what aligns best with our long-term well-being.

3. Seeking Closure and Honest Communication

The second caller’s story focused on reconnecting with an ex-lover who is now in a new relationship. While part of her wanted to maintain a friendship, unresolved feelings made it difficult. She sought guidance on how to express her emotions while protecting herself. Her journey reminds us that seeking clarity often involves facing difficult conversations.

When we’re unsure about the future of a relationship, having open, honest dialogues can help us understand where things stand. Asking for what we need—like closure, clarity, or a chance to express our feelings—can reveal whether the relationship has the potential to grow or if it’s time to move on. Being upfront about our needs and observing how the other person responds can be telling. Do they show empathy and care for our experience? Or do they remain distant and dismissive? These conversations, while challenging, can bring us closer to understanding whether the relationship is worth investing in.

4. Honoring Our Emotional Boundaries

The third caller shared their struggles with trauma-based dissociation and difficulty maintaining emotional balance in relationships. They wondered how to navigate moments of emotional imbalance while respecting their own needs. This example highlights an essential part of making decisions about relationships: honoring our own emotional boundaries.

In moments of doubt, it’s crucial to recognize where our limits lie. If a relationship consistently pushes us past our capacity for emotional balance, it might be a sign that changes are needed. This doesn’t always mean ending the relationship—sometimes it means taking a break, setting clearer boundaries, or seeking outside support. But it’s important to remember that we have a right to protect our emotional wellbeing, and that often, the first step in gaining clarity is giving ourselves permission to step back and assess our needs.

5. Allowing Time for Reflection and Grieving

Each of the people I talked with in this episode shared a common experience: the need to process and grieve what wasn’t working in their relationships. Whether it’s grieving the relationship we wish we had, or we’re struggling with letting go of a romantic connection that once held promise – when we’re facing decisions about staying or letting go, it’s normal to feel a sense of loss, even when we know change is necessary.  Giving ourselves time to feel the disappointment, the sadness and the grief is crucial.  Clarity will lie at the other side of our feelings – but moving through them (not around them) is an essential part of that journey.

Allowing ourselves time to sit with these feelings, without rushing into a decision, can provide much-needed clarity. Reflecting on what we hoped for versus what we are experiencing can help us accept what is, and give us the strength to make the choice that’s right for us. Remember, it’s okay to mourn the potential that didn’t come to fruition as we move towards a new chapter.

Moving Towards Clarity

Deciding when to stay or when to let go in a relationship is a deeply personal process, but we can find our way by understanding our core needs, seeking honest conversations, respecting our emotional boundaries, and allowing time for reflection.

If you’re facing a decision like this in your own life, you can also take my free 3-part video course Should I Stay or Should I Go, where I walk you through a structured process to help you get clear about important relationships in your life.  (Take the course now.)

Ultimately, the path forward should align with what makes us feel most true to ourselves and our values. As difficult as these choices can be, they hold the potential for deeper authenticity and freedom in our lives.  Taking these steps, we can face the uncertainty of these decisions with more clarity and confidence, trusting that whichever path we choose will be the one that best serves our growth and wellbeing.

Listen to Episode 65 now, as we discuss:

• 1:34  How do I make accommodations for my needs and my children’s needs at the same time?
• 4:01  Determining the values behind our needs
• 6:15  Grief and acceptance in a relationship
• 8:28  An old flame is coming into town.  How can I have a safe conversation about hurt feelings?
• 14:37  Discerning someone’s role in our life
• 17:23  The importance of exhibiting care
• 20:45  The difference between caring for someone’s well-being and taking responsibility for it
• 23:31  What words can I use to calm down a charged situation?

And now it’s your turn: What has helped you get clear in your relationships when you’ve faced similar decisions?
I’d love to know – Leave a comment below.