Revisiting Domination Programming: But if I Tell You No, Will I Still Matter to You?

by | Dec 11, 2023 | Healthy Relationships

Domination System Programming is very good at teaching us that our value lies in our ability to meet the needs of others.

To the extent that I make you feel good, I’m a pleasure to be around.

When I’m willing to override my own needs for rest or play and work instead, I am rewarded by being called “dedicated” or “motivated”.

If I work hard at meeting your needs and put my needs last, I’m a “loving” and “giving” person.

It can be an absolute revelation when we realize we are not here to be used as a tool for others to meet their needs. 

Instead, as we discuss on this week’s podcast, we are here to be subjective, sovereign human beings who are learning how to be in interdependent relationship with one another.    

But perhaps who we were taught to be and who we are now don’t quite jive?

One strategy for releasing old scripts of who we once were involves reclaiming all the traits we were told we could never be, and giving ourselves full permission to embody those traits as a way of releasing our internal self-judgment. 

Want to learn more?  Check out the full podcast here, or jump to any specific section by using the show notes below.

Show notes:
(1:33) Saying no feels scary but I don’t want to be used.  What do I do?
(5:40)How do I reveal myself without upsetting someone else?
(12:30)An example of a soft way to say “No”
(19:15) The difference between calibrating language and surviving someone’s negative judgments of us
(23:25)I want the connection to another, but I need to impose a boundary.  What should I say?
(26:26)Sometimes I lie to avoid others because it feels easier.  How can I up level that strategy?
(36:00)My Ex needs help.  Do I have to be the one to help him?
(42:15) How idealizing others can dehumanize them
(45:25) In Domination Cultures, the word “respect” is often code for “obedient”
(46:15) We are not here to be objects to be used by other people
(48:15) Tell me more about Domination  Cultures
(49:52) How can I navigate a strained situation with more lightness?
(59:12) Outro


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