In my conversation with Colleen this week, she shared something many of us recognize immediately. Her husband gets angry while driving.
He insists he would never actually hurt anyone, but the intensity in his voice, the way his body tightens, the energy in the car, leaves her scared.
She found herself wondering: How do I talk about this without shaming him? How do I suggest therapy without making things worse?
That question opens a much bigger conversation about anger, masculinity, and what many men were taught to do with their feelings.
Most of us grew up in a culture that equates strength with control. Especially for men, the message is often: don’t feel too much, don’t fall apart, don’t need help. Over time, fear, sadness, tenderness, and grief get pushed down. Anger becomes the only emotion that’s allowed to leak out.
When anger takes the wheel (both literally and metaphorically) it’s rarely because someone is “out of control.” More often, it’s because they’ve been controlling themselves for too long.
So what can we actually do with this, in real relationships, in real moments?
First, let’s separate anger from danger
One of the most helpful shifts we can make is to stop treating anger itself as the threat. Anger is energy. It’s information. It tells us something matters or something hurts. The real issue isn’t feeling anger: it’s when anger has nowhere safe to go.
When we can hold that distinction internally, we’re less likely to panic or escalate. We can begin from a place of curiosity instead of fear.
When we want to suggest therapy, lead with care, not correction
Colleen wasn’t trying to “fix” her husband.
She was trying to stay safe and stay connected, and that matters far more in this case.
If we lead with “You need help” or “This isn’t okay,” shame usually takes over.
Instead, we can speak from care:
“I see how much pressure you carry. I care about you. I don’t want you holding this alone.”
This keeps dignity intact and opens the door rather than slamming it shut.
Anger doesn’t need suppression: it needs movement
A big insight from our conversation is that suppressed anger doesn’t disappear. It goes underground and shows up sideways, often through road rage, defensiveness, withdrawal, or sudden explosions.
What helps isn’t more containment, but metabolizing the anger.
That might look like:
• Moving our bodies hard and intentionally
• Breathing in ways that emphasize a long exhale
• Speaking anger out loud without blame
• Writing what we’d never say directly
When anger is allowed to move and metabolize, it often turns into clarity, grief, or resolve.
When someone else is escalated, our grounding matters
If we’re scared by someone’s intensity, our nervous system is part of the equation. Slowing our breath, softening our voice, and staying present can help regulate the space without taking responsibility for their feelings.
We can say things like:
“I hear how strong this feels. I want to understand, and I also need us to stay safe.”
That’s not control. That’s care with boundaries.
Redefining Strength
One of the deepest threads in this episode is the invitation to expand masculinity, not dismantle it. Strength doesn’t mean never feeling. Real strength is the capacity to feel fully without losing ourselves or harming others.
When we allow anger to become a doorway rather than a weapon, it becomes vitality instead of fear.
If you’ve ever felt scared by a partner’s anger(or trapped between rage and silence yourself) our conversation this week offers a compassionate way forward.
Listen to When Anger Takes the Wheel: Masculinity and the Freedom to Feel on Conversations from the Heart for a deeper exploration of how we can live with power and tenderness side by side.
Because healing anger isn’t about becoming smaller, it’s about becoming more whole.
