Making peace with being misunderstood is an advanced relational move that requires practice.
Have you ever been in a conversation where no matter how much you try to explain, justify, or defend yourself, the other person remains convinced that you’re the problem? Maybe a loved one has built a story about you that feels unfair—casting you as uncaring, selfish, or the one who got it all wrong.
It’s an awful feeling, isn’t it?
Our natural response is often to prove our goodness—to correct the record, to remind them of the times we showed up, to explain our side of things so they can see the “truth.”
And, it doesn’t really work, does it?
Unfortunately, sometimes, people just need to see us as the villain for a while, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find a way to deepen our connection and understanding with them, anyway.
Here’s how.
Why Do We Resist Being the “Bad Guy”?
We all have a deep longing to be understood. When someone we care about believes something unflattering about us, it can feel like a threat to our identity. I’m not a bad parent. I’m not a selfish friend. I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But when we rush to correct the narrative, we unintentionally invalidate the other person’s experience. Instead of hearing their pain, we make the conversation about proving our intentions. And while that’s understandable, it’s not always helpful. What if we tried making peace with being misunderstood, instead?
What If We Stopped Resisting the Role of “Villain”?
Imagine your adult child accuses you of never supporting them like you did their younger siblings. Your immediate instinct might be to list all the ways that this isn’t true – that you did support them, that they got this wrong.
But what if, instead, you simply said:
“I can imagine that if that’s how I came across to you, it must have been really painful. I want to understand more about that.”
This doesn’t mean you’re admitting guilt or agreeing with their version of events; it means you’re choosing connection over defense. It means prioritizing the relationship over your own need to be seen a certain way.
This is what it means to make peace with being the villain in someone else’s story. Making peace with being misunderstood is about letting go of our need to be seen in a particular light, and to instead understand what the world might look like through someone else’s eyes. We let go of the need to defend ourselves, not because we ARE villains, but because defending ourselves actually misses the point and often just deepens the divide.
What’s Really Happening Beneath the Accusation?
When someone accuses us of something, we often get stuck debating the facts and technicalities of the situation.
And this in turn just increases everyone’s defensiveness and frustration.
Instead, listen for understanding and connection first, by remembering that behind every complaint is an unmet need. Listen for the needs underlying the complaint, and highlight those by mirroring and stating them explicitly.
In episode 83 of the podcast, When Jill’s daughter listed all the ways she was treated unfairly, her real need wasn’t for Jill to say, “Actually, I treated you equally!” – it was to feel seen and valued.
And when Jaya’s colleague dismissed her voice, the need wasn’t for Jaya to demand acknowledgment – it was for her to stand in her own power without waiting for external validation.
Instead of reacting to the story someone is telling, try asking:
✅ What is the need beneath their words?
✅ What is this person trying to express without having the language for it?
✅ Can I listen without making it about me?
Holding the Discomfort of Misunderstanding
One of the hardest parts of relational healing is accepting that we can’t control how other people see us. Making peace with being misunderstood means we can only control how we show up.
- Some people will rewrite the past to fit their current pain.
- Some will be unwilling to acknowledge the complexity of our intentions.
- Some will hold onto old wounds longer than we’d like.
And yet, none of that determines our worth.
What if, instead of fearing the role of “villain,” we saw it as an invitation to practice unconditional love – for ourselves and for the people who need to work through their pain in their own way, in their own time?
A New Way Forward
So, the next time someone sees you in a way that feels painful, try making peace with being misunderstood by asking yourself:
💭 Do I need to be right, or do I want to be in connection?
💭 Can I sit with the discomfort of misunderstanding?
💭 Can I meet their pain instead of resisting their story?
This doesn’t mean you don’t get to express your truth. It means you do so from a place of groundedness rather than reactivity.
Because here’s the paradox: when we stop defending, people often feel safer to soften.
And that’s where real healing begins.
Listen in to Jaya and Jill’s discussion on episode 83 of the podcast.
Have you ever struggled with being mischaracterized in someone else’s story? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Leave a comment below.
