Relationships thrive when there are clear terms of engagement, but what does this really mean?
Imagine what it would be like if you knew exactly how you wanted to be treated, respected, and valued in every interaction. This kind of clarity has the power to transform your relationships from confusing to deeply connected.
What are “Terms of Engagement”
In the context of relationships, when I use the phrase “terms of engagement” I am referring to the clear and mutually agreed-upon guidelines, agreements, preferences and boundaries that frame-up how we interact, communicate, and treat each other.
Terms of engagement are not about controlling others; they are about creating mutual respect, understanding, and clear boundaries that guide how we wish to be treated and how we treat others in return. When we are unable to advocate for who we are and what we need in our relationships, when we struggle to be clear about our boundaries in our relationships, both sides suffer.
To determine your own personal terms of engagement, you might ask yourself:
- What do I enjoy in my relationships?
- What builds trust with me?
- What creates distress and wariness in me?
- What behaviors or experiences will cause me to lean in for more, or cause me to withdraw and distance myself?
- You may also need to decide what role this relationship actually plays in your life. To assess that, you might want to check out Peers, Partners, and Projects, OH MY: Assessing our Relationships first.
Being able to clearly articulate our terms of engagement is a pivotal step in creating a foundation of trust and clarity, and allows us to navigate differences, handle conflicts, and connect in a way that honors each person’s needs, values, and emotional well-being. By being explicit about these terms, we create space for more authentic connection, deeper intimacy, and a healthier, more balanced relationship dynamic.
The Cost of Not Having Clear Terms of Engagement
When we haven’t taken the time to get clear with ourselves, others will be confused too. When we haven’t yet done the inner work of self-acceptance and self-advocacy, others will also not know where our boundaries lie, and what things actually meet our needs well. Not doing this awareness and skill-building work can lead to a variety of issues, such as:
- Resentment and Frustration – we agree to things we don’t want to agree to, and then feel betrayed and victimized when others don’t magically or intuitively “just know” where our boundaries are.
- Loss of Identity and Independence – we prioritize other people’s feelings and needs over our own, constantly attuning to them instead of ourselves, and then wonder why we find ourselves with lower and lower self-esteem, increasingly disconnected from ourselves, out of touch with our own desires and needs.
- Codependency and Enmeshment – without clear boundaries, we can feel responsible for other people’s feelings, and they can feel responsible for ours, leading to emotional drain and burnout in our relationships.
- Erosion of Trust – when we avoid deep and meaningful conversations with others, holding back our true feelings and desires, we end up in shallow relationships with no emotional connection or intimacy. We then struggle to understand where each person stands, leading to increased miscommunications, wariness and guardedness in our interactions.
How to Express Clear Terms of Engagement
Now that we’ve seen the impact of not having clear terms of engagement, let’s explore how to express them effectively.
Being clear about who we are and what we need in our relationships is a gift to both people, and it starts with self-knowledge, self-awareness and self-acceptance. When we take the time to understand our own values, boundaries, and emotional triggers, we can communicate our needs with confidence and compassion.
This means being honest about what we expect, what we’re willing to tolerate, and where our limits lie, without apology or defensiveness.
Expressing our terms of engagement requires vulnerability and courage, and it involves sharing our authentic selves and trusting that our needs deserve to be honored.
It’s not about demanding or controlling the other person, but rather inviting them into a relationship dynamic that feels safe, respectful, and nurturing for both parties.
By articulating these terms clearly, we create a space where both people feel empowered to show up authentically, fostering a deeper, more genuine connection.
Here’s an example to illustrate what it might sound like:
Person A: “Hey, can we talk about something that’s been on my mind? I’ve noticed that when we argue, things sometimes get heated, and words get thrown around that feel hurtful. I know that’s not who we want to be with each other, but I need us to find a way to argue in a way that feels more respectful and safe for both of us.”
Person B: “I don’t mean to hurt you with my words. I just get so frustrated sometimes.”
Person A: “I understand. I get frustrated too, and I know I’m not perfect either. But I want to set some terms for how we engage when we’re upset. For me, it’s important that we avoid saying things that are meant to wound or tear each other down. Can we agree to take a pause if things start to escalate and come back to the conversation when we’re calmer? I think it will help us understand each other better without saying things we don’t mean.”
Here are some sentence starters for you to begin playing with regarding your own terms of engagement:
- “When you speak to me, I need…”
- “I feel most respected when…”
- “If we disagree, can we agree to take a pause before responding?”
Expressing our boundaries and being clear about our needs can feel intimidating, especially when we’re used to putting others first or if we’re afraid of conflict and rejection. It’s natural to worry about how others will react or to feel vulnerable when asking for something we want.
Getting clear on The 2 Main Differences Between Boundaries and Requests may also be a helpful step for you as you sort out what you do – and don’t – want to address and how. And, The Dance Between Empathy, Self-Protection, and Boundary Setting may be another helpful resource.
Learning to set clear terms of engagement is one of the most empowering acts of self-love we can offer ourselves. It’s how we teach others how to treat us and how we create the foundation for relationships that genuinely honor who we are.
Although it may be hard and uncomfortable at first, this journey is so worth the effort because it opens the door to deeper connection, greater authenticity, and a life where we no longer have to hide or shrink to fit. Let’s give ourselves the gift of being seen, valued, and respected for the incredible people we are – recognizing that this is a gift not only for ourselves, but also for everyone lucky enough to be in our lives.
In episode 63 on our Conversations from the Heart Podcast, I talk to a few people about this very thing!
Listen now to discover:
- 2:57 How can I be firm with my boundaries, like Mary Poppins?
- 5:37 How to shift the focus onto what you will do, instead of what they should do
- 5:55 How to set terms of engagement in our relationships
- 15:14 I apologized to my friend, but now she thinks we’re friends again
- 20:43 Conversation role play: Clarifying Intentions
- 34:23 Is it even worth having these types of conversations? They’re so hard!
- 40:05 I’m worried verbal empathy can make things worse
Take a moment to think about your own terms of engagement. What are the non-negotiables that make you feel respected and valued? What helps you to set new, healthy terms of engagement in your relationships? What phrases have you used that help? I’d love to know; leave a comment below!
