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If you have avoidance patterns in your relationships and want to stay engaged in tough conversations for a little while longer, this week’s podcast episode is for you!
We begin with a disarming question from a caller who recognizes that her go-to move in the early stages of a romantic relationship is to run. She’s ready to experience herself staying engaged for a little longer or in a new way.
When we’re trying to stay engaged in a new way, one of the first things we can do is approach the conversation with a different mindset: to discover something, rather than to orchestrate an outcome. Our first caller on the podcast provides a lovely example of this.
When we approach conversations from a mindset of needing to orchestrate a particular outcome or serve a specific agenda, we run the risk of putting the other person on the defensive. We all know that wary feeling that arises when we sense we’ve become a strategy to meet someone else’s needs.
Here’s the thing: we cannot “order up” care from others.
We need to cultivate conditions that elicit care naturally, and that often begins by starting conversations with a curious and open mind—wanting to discover what’s possible, given where each of us is at right now.
Start by noticing, naming, and describing the experience each of you is having in the relationship, and then extend an invitation. For example, in the situation at the beginning of the podcast, our caller wants to gain some clarity and invite care and consideration from the other person.
She might say something like, “Hey, as I think back on some of the interactions we’ve had as we’re getting to know each other, I feel like we’ve been finding our way into what feels good for both of us. We were closer for a while, then pulled back, and it feels like we’re in a bit of a shift and sorting period right now in our relationship. Are you experiencing it that way as well, or is it different for you?”
When we show up with an open heart, revealing our own vulnerability, and then inviting the other person to share their experience, we are far more likely to stay engaged in a new way than if we lead with complaints or avoid the conversation altogether.
Another useful approach is to learn how to own, name, and check out our interpretations with the other person. For example, at one point, our caller speculates that the other person might laugh at something, interpreting this as him using humor to mask deeper truths (which I agree with). She worries that he might just “make light” of her experience, which could mean he’s not available for anything deeper with her.
Typically, that perception might lead many of us to disengage, but we explore a little deeper. How might we stay engaged and strive for more connection, even when someone tries to “make light” of things? We start by imagining other possible interpretations.
What if his “making light” is actually a way to manage his own rising anxiety and an attempt to stay engaged at a level that feels safer to him?
We don’t really know what’s true until we check it out, and learning how to check things out with one another is another tool for staying engaged a little longer, instead of running off with our perceptions and bailing on further engagement.
What if we could stay connected, even if all these interpretations are true?
What if differences like this didn’t have to end the engagement or the relationship?
What could that sound like?
“I notice that sometimes, when we start talking about something and it gets a little close, or intimate, or real, you often bring in a joke, maybe to lighten things up. Do you notice that too? Is that what’s happening for you?”
The first part of the conversation is to notice and describe what’s happening with the aim of creating a shared reality that feels inviting, safe, and co-created.
The next part is to name, own, and check out what these behaviors mean to each person. Start exploring what’s important to each of you, and how that’s working in the relationship.
To hear more about navigating the rest of this conversation and to get additional scripts, check out the episode.
I’ll end this blog post by highlighting one very important point: the goal is to discover what is actually true for each person—not to orchestrate what we wish were true or to get the other person to be any different than how they naturally and authentically want to be with us. Make it safe for others to tell you the truth about who they are, and then you can make conscious, informed choices about what that means for you – and for how long you actually do want to continue to stay engaged.
This week’s podcast explores all the ways we can stay engaged from our hearts in news ways – especially when we’re longing to shift old patterns in relationships that matter to us.
- 3:16 “My usual MO would be to run ..” I want to experience myself in a new way, what can I do?
- 5:56 How can I establish shared reality?
- 9:47 The quickest way to kill the joy of giving.
- 11:53 I want to change a habit and find the courage to ask the hard questions I usually avoid asking.
- 14:49 Working with avoidant attachment.
- 19:36 The problem with demanding care.
- 22:13 The shift from meeting our needs to caring for our needs.
- 25:25 The biggest gift we can give one another.
- 26:24 Responding to a child’s unpleasant behavior with nonviolence.
- 33:33 Connecting with a parent to discuss their child’s behavior
- 38:20 I need a script to tell my friend I feel dismissed and invalidated.
In Other News …
If you’re longing for new moves in the face of narcissistic defenses and shame spirals, I am offering a Deep Dive group on Monday evenings from Sept 9 – Oct 28th to help you with scripts that help you both connect and protect. If you’ve got the basics of NVC down, but want to practice and refine your skills, register soon to save your space.
As a special thank-you for reading my blog and for following my work, use REVERENCE20 to enjoy 20% off the tuition until August 28th.
What old patterns of relating are difficult for you to change? I’d love to know. Leave a comment below.
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