Authenticity is foundational for meaningful relationships and personal fulfillment.
Deep connections with others are only possible when we’re courageous enough to show up as our authentic selves and are also able to create safe spaces for others to do the same.
Encouraging authenticity involves two key commitments: a willingness to be seen and known by ourselves, and a willingness to let others see and know us.However, being seen and known – first by ourselves, and then by others, can be more challenging than it sounds.
The Two Keys to Authenticity
1. Self-Acceptance
Authenticity begins with self-awareness. This means being honest with ourselves about our thoughts, feelings, and desires. It invites us to embrace our vulnerabilities and to be willing to acknowledge parts of ourselves that we may find uncomfortable, challenging or cringy. When we are willing to be seen and known by ourselves, we build a strong foundation for authenticity in our interactions with others.
When we are truly authentic, we are congruent with our feelings. Your feelings are life force energy moving through you at all times, giving you valuable information about how well your needs are met or unmet in each moment. To what degree are you at peace with and connected to your feelings? Are you able to name your feelings, watch your feelings, feel your feelings, soothe your feelings, honor your feelings? Making peace with your feelings is a fundamental part of seeing and knowing yourself fully.
2. Courage to be Vulnerable
Once we are clear and honest with ourselves, the next step is to allow others to see and know us as we truly are. This involves being open and transparent in our communications, sharing our true feelings, and being vulnerable. To what degree are you able to let go of the fear of judgment and trust that being authentic will lead to deeper and more meaningful connections?
What Makes Authenticity Hard: Our Interpretations of Neutral Event
Our interpretations shape our responses, and not always for the better. Learning how to get grounded in the facts and details of what is actually being said or not said, done or not done, is foundational to getting our conversations grounded in authenticity and honesty . For example, imagine someone decides to mow the lawn instead of following through with plans to go to dinner. It’s easy to feel hurt and interpret this action as a sign that the person doesn’t care about spending time with us. We might say, “When you mowed the lawn instead of taking me to dinner, I felt sad.” While expressing our feelings is important, this statement carries an underlying message: “You need to be different so I can feel better.”
This approach can create tension and defensiveness, as it implies that the other person’s actions are wrong or inadequate. The main problem here is the assumption that our interpretation of the event is the only valid one, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
Antidote: Slow It Down and Gather Data
Instead of jumping to conclusions, slow down and gather more information. Approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgment. For example, you might say, “I noticed you mowed the lawn instead of going to dinner as we had planned. Can you help me understand what was going on for you?” This non-judgmental approach allows the other person to share their perspective and intentions, creating more space for understanding and connection.
By gathering impartial data and checking in with the other person, you create an opportunity for a more open and authentic conversation. This approach reduces the likelihood of misinterpretations and helps both parties feel more understood and respected.
What Makes Authenticity Hard: Ending with Complaints vs Requests
Another common pitfall is simply expressing our negative feelings about something, ending with our complaints about whatever happened, and then lobbing the conversation over to the other person. Whenever we do this, we increase the likelihood that the other person will feel responsible for our feelings and respond to us with defensiveness. For instance, after sharing that we felt sad when plans were changed, we might leave the conversation there, expecting the other person to figure out how to make things better. However, this often leads to frustration and unmet needs because the other person may not know how to respond in a way that helps.
Antidote: End Every Reveal with a Powerful Request
To avoid this pitfall, it’s important to create a powerful request that clearly communicates what would help make things better. For example, you might say, “I felt sad when we didn’t go to dinner as planned. It would mean a lot to me if we could reschedule for another night when it works better for you. What do you think?” This approach not only expresses your feelings but also provides a clear path forward, making it easier for the other person to meet your needs.
Creating a powerful request helps to transform a potentially negative situation into an opportunity for collaboration and deeper connection. It shifts the focus from what went wrong to how the relationship can move forward in a positive direction.
Encouraging authenticity in relationships requires a commitment to being open, vulnerable, and willing to see things from multiple perspectives. By avoiding the pitfalls of adding our interpretations to neutral events and stopping conversations without offering solutions, we can foster deeper connections and more authentic interactions. When we slow down, gather data, and create powerful requests, we not only encourage others to show us their true selves but also create a more spacious and compassionate environment for authenticity to thrive.
- 2:31 My daughter rescinded her dinner invitation and my feelings were hurt, and I pretended it was fine when I was actually really hurt.
- 13:34 How powerful requests can revolutionize relationships
- 17:10 Behavior is coded communication
- 23:46 My grandson won’t greet me
- 28:30 A script for gathering the data needed to move forward
- 38:17 Getting Grounded in Our Goodness
- 40:30 How to interrupt interpersonal violence
- 46:12 A special offer just for you!
Two upcoming programs are discussed in this episode. Click on the links below for more info:
