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[et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text”]There was a long period of time in my life where I didn’t feel a sense of belonging anywhere.

Our family had moved so often as a child, that I didn’t really develop a deep sense of home or long-standing friendships anywhere.

While this helped me become incredibly adaptable and psychologically flexible, I was also very lonely.

I sought refuge in my books and studies, but socializing was painful for me. I was tired of always being the person who “spoke funny,” using the wrong words and not understanding any of the local slang.

Thinking back to how I’d try to cope in social situations, I can find two very common responses that are flip sides of the same coin: Grandiosity and Shame.

Sometimes I would go one-up:

I’m better than them. I don’t even want to be a part of their stupid group, anyway.

Other times, I would go one-down:

They won’t let me into their group – there must be something wrong with me.

As we each figure out who we are, whether or not we are wanted, whether or not we are loved, whether or not we belong somewhere, we commonly find ourselves navigating these dynamics of going one-up or one-down as we grapple our way back into shared humanity.

Vacillating between not feeling “good enough” and then trying to fit into what other people seem to value and want, and feeling better than others, rejecting what they stand for and clinging to our own separate selves, we swing between experiences of shame and grandiosity.

Belonging is not borne from self-abandonment or self-rejection, or from being special and “better than” others.

We cultivate a sense of belonging, not by “fitting in” which often requires the suppression of a part of ourselves, but rather by being our most authentic, awkward and weird selves as we show up for our lives.

Key Practices When Cultivating a Sense of Belonging:

Self-Connection:  By knowing who we are, what we enjoy and what we need, we can begin to sort through the kinds of experiences and people that are a good fit for us.

Self-Acceptance:  When we can accept ourselves with grace and lightness, we can build a home for ourselves that is loving and kind.  It is this loving kindness that also allows us to make space for others.

Authentic Expression: Once we understand and accept ourselves, the next step is to express that authenticity in our interactions. This doesn’t mean forcing vulnerability, but rather allowing ourselves to be seen as we are, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and quirks with others. When we do this, we invite others to connect with our true selves, fostering genuine connections that contribute to a sense of belonging.

Seek Out Like-Minded Communities: Belonging often comes from finding people who resonate with our values, interests, and experiences. This might involve joining groups, clubs, or communities where we can meet others who share our passions or struggles. Whether it’s a book club, a yoga class, or an online forum, these spaces provide opportunities to connect on a deeper level.

Practice Vulnerability: It can be intimidating to show up fully as ourselves, especially when we fear rejection or judgment. However, practicing vulnerability by sharing our authentic thoughts and feelings with trusted individuals can deepen our relationships and create a sense of belonging. This doesn’t mean oversharing but rather being open to letting others see our true selves.

Cultivate Empathy and Compassion: As we learn to accept ourselves, it’s equally important to extend that acceptance to others. By practicing empathy and compassion, we create environments where others feel safe to be themselves. This mutual respect and understanding can foster a community where everyone feels like they belong.

Set Boundaries: Belonging doesn’t mean losing ourselves in others. It’s important to set boundaries that protect our well-being while still allowing us to connect authentically with others. By communicating our needs and limits clearly, we can create relationships that honor both our individuality and our desire for connection.

Celebrate Differences: Instead of trying to conform, we can celebrate the differences that make each of us unique. Recognizing and valuing diversity in thoughts, experiences, and backgrounds enriches our sense of community and belonging. It also allows us to learn from one another and grow together.

Engage in Acts of Service: Giving back to others can strengthen our sense of belonging. When we contribute to our communities, we reinforce our connection to those around us. Acts of service, whether small or large, remind us that we are part of something bigger than ourselves.

Mindful Presence: Sometimes, simply being present in the moment with others, without judgment or distraction, can create a strong sense of belonging. Mindfulness allows us to connect more deeply with ourselves and those around us, fostering a sense of shared humanity.

By embracing these practices, we can cultivate a deep and lasting sense of belonging that is rooted in authenticity, acceptance, and connection, rather than in conformity or self-abandonment.

In Other News …

If you’re longing for new moves in the face of narcissistic defenses and shame spirals, I am offering a  Deep Dive group on Monday evenings from Sept 9 – Oct 28th to help you with scripts that help you both connect and protect. If you’ve got the basics of NVC down, but want to practice and refine your skills, register soon to save your space.

As a special thank-you for reading my blog and for following my work, use REVERENCE25 to enjoy 25% off the tuition until August 28th.

Listen in to this week’s podcast as we dive more deeply into what it takes to “belong” somewhere, the practice of reverence and our search for shared humanity with others.  We discuss a common human tendency of self-abandonment when building community gets tough.  Listen to our conversation, as we discuss:

• 1:59  I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
• 5:50  Rising into grandiosity or sinking into shame
• 7:19  Fitting In vs. Belonging
• 12:05  The role of reverence
• 14:03  How do I handle passive aggressive comments?
• 25:20  We’re either repeating or transforming a dynamic
• 26:43  Make the implicit explicit
• 34:28  My friend takes a long time to text me back and it hurts my feelings

or read more about belonging to ourselves with The Crucial First Step Before Dialogue.

What helps you to cultivate a sense of belonging?  What typically gets in the way for you? 
I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column]
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