Many of us have been conditioned to believe that caretaking—putting others’ needs ahead of our own—is a noble act.

We’re taught to be generous, giving, and selfless, often to the point that we lose touch with our own needs. This idea that we’re supposed to constantly care for others, even at the expense of our own well-being, is baked into our cultural norms, especially for women.

While self-sacrificial giving (aka caretaking) might be a culturally normative path to feeling needed and important, over time, it just leads to exhaustion, resentment, and unhealthy relationships that don’t honor the full humanity of either person.

Stepping out of a caretaking role and into healthier, more balanced relationships requires a careful unwinding of this conditioning as it lives inside of us. This involves recognizing the ways we’ve been taught to prioritize others over ourselves, learning to value our own needs, and developing the ability to give and receive care in a way that honors both people.

Here are some practical steps for transforming caretaking dynamics:

1. Recognizing the Problem: Where Caretaking Comes From

The first step in unwinding the social conditioning of caretaking is to recognize that it’s happening. For many of us, caretaking is so ingrained in our identity that it feels normal—like just what we do. We’re often praised for it, too. People say we’re “so giving,” “so selfless,” or “so dependable.” While these may feel like compliments, they can reinforce a pattern where we derive our sense of self-worth from constantly taking care of others.

For many of us, caretaking patterns begin early in life, often with our family dynamics. For instance, you might have spent your childhood caretaking a parent, which can set the stage for similar patterns in adulthood. This was the case for a caller recently on my Podcast, who found themselves repeatedly in relationships where they felt obligated to care for the other person, even when it was emotionally exhausting and draining for her.  

Caretaking often stems from a fear of conflict or a deep desire to be loved and accepted. We may feel like we won’t be valuable unless we’re serving others, or that the only way to maintain harmony in relationships is by sacrificing our own needs. The reality is, when we prioritize caretaking to the exclusion of our own well-being, it creates an imbalanced relationship dynamic. Over time, this can lead to burnout, feelings of resentment, or even a loss of connection with ourselves.

Take a moment to reflect: Do you feel compelled to meet the needs of others, even when it feels like too much? Do you have a hard time saying no, or feel guilty when you prioritize yourself? If the answer is yes, it’s a sign that caretaking may be playing too large a role in your relationships.

2. Giving Ourselves Permission to Matter

One of the hardest parts of unwinding this conditioning is giving ourselves permission to matter. Many of us feel uncomfortable with the idea that we deserve to take up space, to have needs, and to prioritize our well-being. But healthy relationships require that both people matter equally—not just in theory, but in practice.

This doesn’t mean we stop caring for others; it means that we include ourselves in the circle of care. When we give ourselves permission to matter, we recognize that our needs and feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. We begin to understand that self-care is not selfish—it’s essential.

Start by noticing how often you downplay or dismiss your own needs. Do you push through exhaustion to be there for others? Do you silence your discomfort to keep the peace? As you become aware of these patterns, gently remind yourself that your needs are valid. Practice giving yourself permission to matter by taking small steps to prioritize your own well-being. This might look like setting boundaries, asking for help, or taking time for rest—even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable at first.

3. Tuning Into Our Genuine Yes and No

One of the most transformative skills we can cultivate as we step out of the role of caretaker and into healthier, more balanced relationships is the ability to tune into our genuine yes and no. For so many of us, caretaking has trained us to say yes when we don’t really mean it, overriding our own boundaries in order to meet the needs of others. We’ve been taught that harmony, connection, and love come at the cost of our own well-being. However, authentic connection can only happen when both people feel free to express their truth, without fear of disappointing or upsetting the other.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual consent, which means both people must feel safe and empowered to say yes or no from an authentic place. If you’ve spent years saying yes when deep down you meant no, reconnecting with your authentic responses can feel foreign at first. It’s like trying to listen to a voice that’s been silenced for too long.

So, how do you begin? Start by noticing what a genuine yes and a genuine no feel like in your body. A yes might feel warm, expansive, or light, while a no might feel heavy, tense, or tight. Our bodies carry an incredible wisdom, and they often speak to us before our minds even register what’s happening. As you begin to tune into these sensations, practice honoring them.

When you feel a genuine no rising within you, challenge yourself to express it—gently but clearly. It might feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to pleasing others. But with time, this practice will help you develop a stronger sense of your own boundaries and preferences, allowing you to honor both yourself and the relationship.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-preservation. Your mind might understand that boundaries are necessary, but your nervous system may still be conditioned to fear setting them. You might worry that by asserting yourself, you’ll cause conflict or be seen as selfish. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—many of us have been taught to prioritize others’ needs over our own. But the cost of this is steep: resentment, exhaustion, and emotional depletion.

Breaking free from these patterns starts with developing a deeper connection to yourself. This means listening to the wisdom of your body, especially when it signals discomfort. Feelings like disgust, resistance, or resentment are often our body’s way of telling us something is out of alignment. Instead of overriding these emotions, try to see them as guides—like flashing red lights, signaling that it’s time to set a boundary.

When these emotions arise, don’t push through them or minimize them. Instead, take a breath and ask yourself: What are these feelings trying to tell me? What boundary needs to be expressed here? These emotions are invitations to protect your energy, to detach from dynamics that drain you, and to honor the truth of what’s right for you in the moment.

It can be helpful to reframe your boundaries not as barriers to connection, but as acts of care—for yourself and for the other person. Boundaries create clarity. They allow relationships to flourish because they ensure that both people can show up authentically, without the hidden resentments or emotional burnout that come from unspoken needs. In this way, self-care and care for others are not mutually exclusive. By caring for yourself and expressing your needs clearly, you’re actually creating a foundation for healthier, more sustainable relationships.

Stepping into this new way of relating takes courage and practice. There will be moments when it feels uncomfortable, and moments when you second-guess yourself. But each time you honor your genuine yes or no, you’re building a relationship with yourself that is rooted in self-respect and self-trust. And when you bring this authenticity into your relationships, you give others permission to do the same.

In time, you’ll find that honoring your boundaries doesn’t push people away. It invites deeper connection because it’s based on honesty, mutual respect, and a shared understanding that both people’s needs matter. And that’s where true love, care, and connection grow.

4. Self-Care and Care for Others Are Not Mutually Exclusive

A major part of unwinding caretaking is understanding that self-care and care for others are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they are deeply intertwined. When we take care of ourselves, we are able to show up for others in a more genuine, sustainable way. But when we constantly give to others without caring for ourselves, we eventually run out of energy—and the quality of our care diminishes.

It’s helpful to reframe the way we think about care. Rather than seeing it as a zero-sum game where someone wins and someone loses, we can begin to see it as a mutually beneficial exchange. Healthy relationships allow space for both people to give and receive, to express needs and to meet them.

Practice self-care not just as a way to fill your own cup, but as an investment in your ability to show up fully in your relationships. This might mean setting limits on how much you give to others, or making sure you have time for activities that restore your energy and well-being. When you take care of yourself, you are not abandoning others—you are preparing yourself to be there for them in a more grounded, wholehearted way.

5. Cultivating Mutual Support in Relationships

Finally, as we unwind the conditioning of caretaking, it’s important to cultivate mutual support in our relationships. This means moving away from one-sided dynamics where one person is always giving and the other is always receiving. Instead, we aim for relationships where both people’s needs are met in a balanced, respectful way.

One way to do this is by having open, honest conversations with the people in your life about what you need and what they need. This can feel vulnerable at first, especially if you’re used to prioritizing others, but it’s essential for creating healthier dynamics. Start by sharing your feelings and needs without blame or criticism, and invite the other person to do the same. Together, you can explore ways to meet both of your needs in a way that feels nourishing for both of you.

Unwinding the social conditioning of caretaking is not about abandoning our care for others; it’s about learning to care for ourselves alongside others in a way that honors the needs of both people. As we give ourselves permission to matter, tune into our genuine yes and no, and practice self-care, we create relationships that are based on mutual respect, support, and love. And in doing so, we not only transform our relationships, but we also transform our relationship with ourselves.

Listen in as we discuss options for breaking free of caretaker burnout on the latest episode of the podcast.  We discuss:

• 1:03  A tour of my “Getting to the Heart of the Matter” Flowchart
• 6:40  My niece sulks and pouts if she doesn’t win a game
• 11:14  An alternative to winning/losing
• 16:01  I feel bad. Does that mean I AM bad?
• 17:18  My friends are slower than I prefer.  What can I do to change them?
• 22:30  Help!  I’m suffering from caretaker burnout.
• 25:08  Resentment and disgust signal a need for a boundary
• 27:16  The journey back to wholeness can be counter cultural
• 41:51  How can I connect with my adult daughter?
• 47:09. The 2 keys to successful giving

What patterns of caretaking do you struggle with – and what helps?
I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.