There’s a particular kind of heartbreak that often arises in when trying to be a “better parent”, and I know it well myself.
It’s that moment when we begin to see clearly how we’ve been showing up with our kiddos, and realizing this is just not how I actually want to be.
Of course we love our children, but there’s this moment when we wake up to the fact that they way we’ve been trying to love them has actually been coming out as correction, instruction, or criticism.
And sometimes, if we are lucky, our children will reflect that back to us and we have a moment of awareness where we can change course and begin to do something new.
Here’s the key learning: As well intended as all our advice, strategizing and critiques may be, and as much as we are trying to be helpful, most often, those ways of being land on our children painfully. And in these moments, I want to remind us all of the power of one of Marshall Rosenberg’s many mantras: empathy before education and connection before correction.
The Gap Between Intention and Impact
Many parents I work with are deeply thoughtful, caring, and committed to growth.
And yet, they find themselves caught in a familiar loop:
- I want to support my child
- I want to help them succeed
- I want to guide them
But what comes out sounds like:
Why are you doing it that way?
You should try this instead
That’s not the best choice
To the parent, it feels like helping.
To the child, it often feels like judgment.
This is the gap between intention and impact.
Why Trying to Be a Better Parent Often Sounds Like Criticism
For many of us, we were raised to believe that parents know best, children need to be shaped, and mistakes should be corrected quickly.
So when we step into parenting, we carry this internalized model:
My job is to teach, guide, and fix.
But here’s the shift:
Your child doesn’t need you to shape them into who you think they should be.
They need you to see who they already are.
When we move too quickly into correction, we can unintentionally override their autonomy and undermine their confidence. We can signal that who they are isn’t quite right, even when that’s not our intention.
The Hard Truth About Growth
One of the most disorienting parts of growth is this:
Awareness often comes after the moment.
You say the thing, then you realize, Oh. That was critical.
That doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means you’re waking up.
Growth doesn’t look like getting it right all the time.
It looks like noticing, pausing, repairing and trying again.
What Repair Actually Looks Like
Repair doesn’t require perfection.
It requires presence.
It can sound like:
That came out more critical than I intended. Can I try again?
I see how that might have hurt your feelings.
I love you, and I’m learning how to do this differently.
These moments matter more than getting it right the first time.
In fact, they are the work.
From Fixing to Connecting
A powerful shift in parenting is moving from fixing to connecting. It’s the move from: Let me show you the right way, to Let me understand what’s happening for you.
This might look like:
- Reflecting what you see
- Guessing at feelings or needs
- Asking questions instead of giving answers
And trusting that your child has an internal compass that is developing.
What About Boundaries?
This isn’t about becoming permissive.
Children still need structure, guidance, and limits.
But the difference is how those limits are held. Not from fear or control, but from clarity, care, and attunement
You can be both deeply empathic and clearly boundaried.
Working With the Parts of You That Judge
Here’s perhaps the most important reframe:
The goal is not to eliminate the part of you that judges or corrects.
That part is trying to protect, guide and prevent harm.
Instead of fighting it, we can learn to notice it, understand it, and translate it into something more connecting.
A More Compassionate Path Forward
If you recognize yourself in this dynamic, take a breath.
You are not alone.
You are not broken.
And you are not too late.
The very fact that you can see it means something new is already emerging.
The work isn’t to become a perfect parent.
The work is to become a parent who can notice, repair, stay open, and keep growing
Listen to the Full Conversation
In this week’s episode, we go deeper into healing after relational harm, navigating the tension between past and present selves, and learning how to love our children without trying to fix them.
