There’s a moment in this week’s conversation that captures something many of us have felt, but rarely say out loud surrounding how we become guarded.
Carol shares that her sister recently told her, I feel guarded around you.
It’s a simple statement, but it carries weight.
Because when someone says they feel guarded, it can land as rejection. As confusion. As hurt. It can build a wall of defensiveness between us and another.
And often, our first instinct is to try to understand what they’re doing, or what they’re feeling, or what they need to change.
But as we begin exploring Carol’s story, something deeper becomes clear:
Guardedness is rarely one-sided.
There’s Protection in How We Become Guarded
Guardedness is not a character flaw.
It’s not something “wrong” with us.
It’s a form of protection.
It develops in relationships where:
- we didn’t feel fully seen or included
- our needs weren’t consistently met
- we experienced judgment, comparison, or emotional distance
Over time, our nervous system learns:
“It’s safer not to fully open here.”
And that protection can stay with us, even years later, even in entirely different relationships.
The Hidden Role of Resentment
One of the key insights in this episode is the role of resentment.
Carol begins to see that part of her is still holding her sister “on the hook” for the past.
This is deeply human.
When we’ve been hurt, holding onto resentment can feel like:
- a way of honoring the pain
- a way of maintaining fairness
- a way of protecting ourselves from being hurt again
But it also has a cost.
Resentment often keeps us guarded.
It makes vulnerability feel risky, because the past hasn’t fully been metabolized.
The Shift: From Changing Others to Understanding Ourselves
A powerful turning point in the conversation is Carol’s shift away from trying to change her sister.
Instead, the focus becomes:
- What is happening inside of me?
- What am I protecting?
- What am I still carrying?
This doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behavior.
It means recognizing that our own guardedness is something we can begin to understand and work with, regardless of what the other person does.
Why “Just Love Yourself” Isn’t Enough
One of the most important ideas explored in this episode is this:
We don’t learn to love ourselves in isolation.
We learn to love ourselves through relationships.
When we grow up without consistent emotional attunement, support, or care, we don’t just develop thoughts about ourselves, we develop lived, embodied experiences of disconnection.
And those experiences can’t be undone by insight alone.
They shift when, in real relationships, we begin to experience:
- empathy
- presence
- warmth
- being seen and valued
Over time, those experiences become internalized, and something inside us begins to soften.
So How Can We Soften When Guarded?
Softening doesn’t happen through force.
Softening doesn’t happen through pressure, nor through trying to get someone else to change.
Guardedness begins to soften when we recognize it as protection, not failure. It can also begin when we become honest about what we’re feeling and carrying, and when we take responsibility for our own internal experience. By allowing ourselves to experience new kinds of connection, and by telling the truth, we can being to melt the defenses we’ve built up around ourselves.
A Gentle Reflection
Where might you be feeling guarded right now?
And what might that guardedness be protecting?
Not to fix it.
Not to push it away.
But to begin understanding it.
Because often, the parts of us that feel the most closed, are the parts that have needed the most care.
Listen to the full episode here: How We Become Guarded, and How We Might Soften
