For many of us, criticism rarely lands as neutral or helpful information.
A raised eyebrow, an offhand comment, a disappointed tone … and suddenly our chest tightens, our mind races, and we’re apologizing or explaining before we’ve even had a chance to decide what we actually think.
Long after the conversation ends, we’re replaying every word, wondering what we did wrong.
In episode 136 of Conversations from the Heart, Jaya brings two tender stories that help us understand why this happens, and how to respond differently. What we discover is something many of us need to hear: these reactions aren’t flaws in our character; they’re nervous system memories.
When Criticism Feels Dangerous
If you grew up in environments where criticism was paired with contempt, ridicule, or withdrawal of love, your body learned something very early: being corrected isn’t safe. Over time, even mild feedback can register as threat.
This is why your body may react before your thinking mind does. Your system isn’t responding to the present moment alone: it’s responding to old experiences of being shamed, corrected, or made small.
Understanding this helps us replace self-blame with self-trust.
Criticism vs. Contempt
One of the key distinctions we explore is the difference between criticism and contempt. Criticism may be clumsy or uncomfortable, but contempt carries a message of superiority or disgust: something is wrong with you.
Learning to tell the difference matters. Not every critique is an attack, and not every uncomfortable feeling means you’ve done something wrong.
A grounding question to ask ourselves each time might be something like:
What was actually said, and what meaning did my nervous system add?
From Collapse to “Pushback Energy”
Many people respond to criticism by collapsing into appeasement: apologizing reflexively, over-explaining, or abandoning their own perspective. This isn’t kindness, but it is a learned survival strategy.
Our work here is about developing what we call pushback energy: the ability to stay connected to ourselves while staying in the relationship.
Pushback energy might sound like:
• I need a moment to think about that.
• I’m not sure I agree, but I want to understand.
• That comment landed hard. Can we slow this down?
This is not aggression. It’s self-respect.
Here’s a Simple Grounding Process
When criticism arises inside of you, try this five-step reset:
1. Pause: don’t respond immediately.
2. Orient to your body: notice breath, posture, tension.
3. Name your internal experience: fear, shame, urge to fix.
4. Separate observation from interpretation: what’s fact vs. story?
5. Choose your response: from clarity, not reflex.
Even doing the first two steps can radically change how the moment unfolds.
Reparenting the Part That Rushes to Please
At the heart of this work is reparenting. The part of you that scrambles to apologize isn’t weak, it just learned that compliance once kept you safe.
Now, you get to meet that part with compassion:
I see why you’re scared. I’ve got this now.
Staying grounded when someone criticizes you doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered. It means you’ll recognize what’s happening, stay present with yourself, and respond with choice instead of collapse.
If this resonates, listen to Episode 136: How to Stay Grounded When Someone Criticizes You for a deeper exploration, and a reminder that self-respect and compassion can coexist, even under pressure.
