On the podcast recently, caller Cathy grappled with the question of how to stay in connection with her brother, after he had done so much harm in her family.  

This wasn’t a simple disagreement. This was a relationship thick with complexity – love, grief, betrayal, outrage. Her brother had caused real damage, some of it permanent. And now, as he reaches out in his final years, she finds herself stuck between two truths:

I love him. And I don’t condone what he’s done.

How do we love someone without letting them off the hook?

When Love and Protection Feel Like Opposites

Cathy’s story is deeply personal, but the emotional landscape is universal.

You care about someone.

They’ve harmed others, maybe even you.

They don’t take accountability – or worse, pretend it never happened.

And now, they want to connect.

Do you open the door?

Many of us learned to collapse in these moments, either by cutting off contact completely or by pretending everything is fine. We think we have to choose between truth and connection, between love and justice.

But there’s another path.

A third way.

One that asks us to grow our capacity for truthful love – the kind that sets boundaries and keeps hearts open.

The False Choice Between Enabling and Rejection

Cathy voiced a fear many of us carry:

If I’m kind to him, am I saying what he did was okay?

This fear can paralyze us. But kindness doesn’t equal condoning.

Compassion doesn’t mean compliance.

And staying connected doesn’t require silence.

The key is learning how to hold people accountable without letting shame run the show.

When we speak truth from judgment or moral superiority, people shut down.

When we speak truth from grounded self-trust and care, people sometimes open.

Not always.

But the work isn’t about controlling their reaction.

It’s about staying in alignment with our own integrity.

Step One: Protect Your Younger Self

If you feel a deep, body-based resistance to contact with someone who’s harmed you or others, honor it.

That resistance often comes from a younger part of you, the part that remembers how it felt to be unsafe, gaslit, ignored, or harmed.

Don’t shove her into the room.

Instead, visualize your wise adult self stepping forward.

Let her lead the conversation.

Let her create a buffer of safety between the child in you and the person who wasn’t safe.

This internal separation is essential.

It allows you to show up with strength and clarity, not from reactivity, but from self-leadership.

Step Two: Practice the Protective Use of Force

Many of us confuse punishment with protection.

We think we need to cut off, shame, or make someone suffer in order to hold them accountable. But that’s domination culture talking, not relational wisdom.

The protective use of force says:

I will intervene to keep myself and others safe.

I will not let your behavior continue to harm.

And once safety is reestablished, I remain available for connection.

It’s firm, not cruel.

It’s grounded in care, not revenge.

In Cathy’s case, that meant acknowledging:

• I want a relationship with you.
• And I don’t want my desire to connect to be misunderstood as agreement or tolerance for your past behavior.

This clarity makes connection possible without collapsing into pretense.

Read more on the protective use of force:  How to Set a Protective Boundary

Step Three: Use Language That Holds Truth Without Shame

If you’ve ever tried to say something like,

You were a terrible parent and you ruined your kids’ lives

you’ve likely seen how fast defensiveness and shutdown can take over.

Try this instead:

• Start with ownership: When I remember what happened… I feel heartbreak, anger, and deep sadness.
• Speak from needs and values: I long for a safe family system. And I haven’t known how to create one with you.
• Acknowledge the paradox: I love you. And I also feel afraid of being hurt again.

This isn’t about sugarcoating.

It’s about telling the truth in a way that builds bridges instead of walls.

It’s about staying relational while staying honest.

Step Four: Make an Invitation, Not a Demand

After Cathy practiced this new language, she asked,

And then what? What if he responds with more denial?

You can’t control whether someone will meet you in the space you’re creating.

But you can invite them.

Try saying something like:

I wanted to put this on the table so I can move forward in a new way with you. I’m curious – what’s it like to hear all this?

Notice you’re not demanding an apology.

You’re not threatening disconnection.

You’re being transparent about your experience, and then opening space for a real response.

If they meet you there, beautiful.

If they don’t, you’ve still honored yourself – and that matters deeply.

The Deep Work: Rebuilding Inner Trust

Cathy said something so powerful at the end of our conversation:

I noticed that when I stayed in my judgment and anger, my heart closed to everyone – not just him.

That’s what unprocessed resentment does.

It isolates us.

But when you trust yourself to speak your truth, with dignity and care, something shifts.

Your heart starts to feel safe again.

Not because other people change.

But because you do.

You become someone you can trust.

A Script to Try

Here’s a script you can adapt when you’re ready:

I’ve been thinking about our relationship.

There are things I still carry – things that hurt, and things that don’t align with who I want to be in relationship.

I also care about you.

I don’t want my care to be misunderstood as agreement or erasure.

I’m telling you this so that I can show up with integrity moving forward.

I’d love to know how this lands with you.

You can soften or strengthen the language depending on the situation.

But the essence stays the same:

Tell the truth. Stay open. Protect your heart.

How to Love Someone With Honesty

Loving someone doesn’t mean denying what they’ve done.

And holding boundaries doesn’t mean closing your heart.

This is the middle path.

It’s not easy.

But it’s deeply human.

And every time you walk it, you reclaim a little more of your power, your clarity, and your capacity to love wisely.

You don’t have to choose between truth and connection.

You just have to choose to stay rooted in yourself.

How do you walk the middle line between connection and protection?  I’d love to know. Leave a comment below.