Have you ever wondered how to manage the pain that arises when relationships disappoint you?

Maybe you’ve wondered why they can’t meet you where you are or give you what you need?

How do you decide whether to keep trying, adjust your expectations, or let go altogether?

Although they can feel sad, hurtful or disorienting, those moments of disappointment often awaken us to some important shifts we may need to make in our lives.

Remember that our feelings are here to tell us about what we are needing, and as we get clearer on our feelings and our needs, we also become more conscious of our values, desires and priorities in life.

If you’ve ever struggled with the gap between what you are wanting and what someone else is able to offer you, this week’s podcast and blog post are for you.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, our relationships with other people fall short of what we long for.

When this happens, it’s natural to feel sadness, anger, or even a sense of betrayal.

But beneath these feelings lies an important question: How do we navigate the pain of unmet expectations without closing ourselves off from connection? What meaning do we make of these moments, that can serve to fortify our strength and protect us as we move forward? 

On Episode 82 of the podcast, I talk with both Shawn and Holly about dynamics in their relationships that have become painful, and more importantly, what options they may want to consider as they figure out their next steps.  You can listen to the episode here, and below, I offer some additional thoughts and strategies in hopes that they may be helpful to you if you’re facing a disappointments of your own.

__________________________________________

The Complexity of Relational Disappointment

Relational disappointment hurts because it reveals the gap between what we hope for and what others can offer.

We’re not only fielding the sadness, hurt and disappointment about what may be unfolding, we’re also fielding the self-doubt and stories we may be telling ourselves: Am I not worthy? Did I expect too much? These moments of disconnection can bring up old wounds and amplify our insecurities.

But disappointment also serves as a signal. It invites us to pause, reassess alignment, and recalibrate our expectations. Instead of seeing it as a failure—yours or theirs—it can be an opportunity to realign with what you truly need and value.

What to Do When Someone Can’t Show Up for You

So, what do we do when relationships disappoint us? Here are four steps to guide you:

Step 1: Acknowledge and Honor Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, or grief that comes with unmet expectations. Suppressing these emotions only prolongs the pain. Sit with your feelings, name them, and validate their presence. Disappointment is a natural response to disconnection.

Step 2: Assess the Relationship
Take time to reflect on the dynamic. What do you truly need in this relationship? Are your needs realistic given the other person’s capacity? Are they willing or able to meet you halfway? Asking these questions can provide clarity about whether to continue investing or begin stepping back.

Step 3: Adjust Your Expectations
Not everyone can meet you where you are—and that’s okay. Consider recalibrating your expectations based on what the other person is capable of offering, rather than holding them to a standard they can’t meet. For example, if you’re dealing with someone who has an avoidant relational style, giving them space rather than pushing for connection may create more ease in the dynamic.

Step 4: Decide How to Move Forward
Some relationships are worth the work; others may not be aligned with your needs. When should you lean in and work to repair? When is it time to step back, grieve the loss, and let go? The answer will depend on whether the relationship feels nourishing or draining. Grieving a misaligned relationship isn’t about giving up; it’s about making space for what truly supports you.

Learning from Disappointment

When relationships disappoint us, there are invaluable lessons to be learned:

Boundaries as Protection, Not Avoidance
Boundaries help safeguard your emotional well-being without shutting out connection. They’re not about punishing others but about protecting what you value most.

Shifting Expectations to Networks, Not Individuals
No single person can meet all your needs. When you spread your expectations across a network of friends, family, and community, you’ll find a deeper sense of fulfillment without overburdening any one person.

Self-Trust is Your Anchor
Ultimately, staying grounded in your own emotional well-being and needs allows you to approach relational challenges with clarity and compassion. Self-trust is your anchor, reminding you that you have the capacity to navigate even the most painful disappointments.

Invitation to Growth and Healing

When relationships disappoint us, it may be painful, but remember this is also an opportunity for growth. We can take time to examine what we value, how we align with others, and how we care for ourselves. If you’re navigating this kind of challenge, here are a few practical steps you can take:

• Journaling Prompts: What do I need most in relationships? Where am I aligned or misaligned in my connections?  What needs of mine are being met and which ones are not being met?  What are my non-negotiables, and where can I be more flexible?
• Grieve Fully: Allow space to mourn the relationship you hoped for. Grief clears the path for clarity and healing.
• Seek Support: Lean on trusted friends, therapists, or communities to help you process and recalibrate.

Resources to Support Your Journey

• If you’re seeking more tools to navigate relational disappointment, here are some resources that can help:
• Take my free course, Should I Stay or Should I Go. This course provides a clear roadmap for assessing the health of your relationships, including red and green flags, and guides you in deciding whether to stay or let go.
• Explore the Center for Nonviolent Communication and NVC Academy. These offer trainings and communities to help you communicate more compassionately and build stronger connections.
• Join my monthly membership program. In this supportive community, we navigate challenges together, deepen our connections, and create relationships that align with our values.

Choosing Clarity Over Closure

When relationships disappoint us, it’s tempting to close ourselves off to avoid future pain.  It’s important to make a commitment to avoid doing that, because true growth lies in keeping our hearts open while setting boundaries that protect our well-being.  The goal is to make peace with disappointment, and then use the disappointment to engage in a deeper process of discernment – learning when to lean in, when to let go, and how to align with relationships that truly nourish you.

Are you sitting with disappointment?  What helps?  I’d love to know:  leave a comment below.