When I was particularly under resourced and stressed out as a single parent, I’d find myself wondering,
“How can I inspire care from my daughter about … her homework, making her bed, tidying her room, emptying the dishwasher, the effect she’s having on me …”
The list went on and on.
The problem, as I saw it then, was her lack of care about the things I cared about.
And my job was to get her to care more.
Even worse, the ways I tried to inspire care included explaining, analyzing, criticizing, making demands and generally just teaching her how to be “different.”
Although I was “trying to help,” all these control-based strategies simply conveyed that she wasn’t enough, wasn’t loved unconditionally, wasn’t up to par. We all know how futile this is, and yet many of us find ourselves doing it anyway.
Now don’t get me wrong, of course we need to teach our children the skills and capacities that they need to be successful in the world. Of course our children need empathic boundaries and well-aligned scaffolds. Of course we all learn how to be uncomfortable for the right things. But here, I am talking about what gets in the way of care, and how to inspire care from others.
Care isn’t something we act ourselves into.
It wells up in our hearts in safe, trustworthy relational conditions.
Love cannot be ordered up, and yet we still try to guilt, shame or complain our way into them changing.
Care cannot be coerced, so we settle for the empty shell of “good behaviors” and pretend that we don’t feel the burning resentments underneath the surface, corroding the relationship.
To inspire care from others, we behave more like a gardener than a military sergeant.
We plant seeds.
We water them.
We put them in sunshine.
We wait patiently.
We check-in on progress.
Life has its own intelligence, its own timing, its own direction.
Our job is to participate in loving and patient ways.
Here’s how.
How to Inspire Care from Others:
- Ground Yourself In Clear Intentions:
When we want to inspire care from others, the first task is seeking to connect. We connect with our choices, feelings and needs and we also connect with others’ choices, feelings and needs. When you start by setting a clear intention to connect with the other person, instead of changing or controlling them, we are one step closer to inspiring care from them, instead of coercing them into something that serves only ourselves. - Swap out Control for Curiosity:
So often we project onto other people who we wish they were, instead of learning how to be in relationship with who they actually are. We’ve been so trained to see ourselves and others through a performance-based lens, that we often need to recognize the tension in ourselves, learn how to settle and relax that tension, and then become more open and receptive to the other person. Work on calming your own nervous system by bring your full presence to your own feelings and needs in each moment, and then reminding yourself that you’re seen, known and accepted by yourself. (If you have a hard time seeing, knowing or accepting yourself, then start here first or find a professional who can help you with that) Lead with curiosity about the other person’s intentions, feelings, needs, values, wishes and desires. Slow down to get to know them on their terms, and try to contain all your own judgments, fears and frustrations in the early stages – if you’re able to, and if you’re willing to. - Model Empathy and Compassion:
By becoming non-judgmentally present to their feelings, their needs and their desires, you will start to build trust. Reflect back what you hear them tell you. Listen for what is important to them. Listen for their good intentions, especially when the strategies they’re choosing are self-sabotaging and getting in their way. Hold off on educating, correcting or explaining until they are ready and consent to it or ask for it. Show understanding and kindness, and be open about your own experiences and feelings. When others see you practicing empathy, they are often inspired to do the same. As they see you modeling care, they are often inspired to join you there. - Amplify Shared Needs:
As you’re listening to them, listen for what is important to them and what they are needing. Notice where their needs overlap with and align with yours. Do you both have a need for more safety? Do you both have a need for more understanding? Are you both longing for more empathy? Are you both interested in more freedom and choice? Focus on the places where you have shared interests and needs to begin re-humanizing yourselves to one another. - Swap out Demands and Accusations for Requests:
Get as clear as you can about what would help, and steer the conversation into that direction. What are you needing and how can I help with that? Here’s what I am needing, are you willing to help me with that?
Instead of angrily demanding “Why don’t you care about me?” try “What’s getting in the way of your being able to care for my needs right now? Is there anything I could do or say right now that might help with that?”
Instead of, “You make no sense to me” try “I’m really wanting to understand and I’m having a hard time, can you tell me more …”
These principles come to life as we explore them on the ground with real situations.
Listen on the podcast as a wife explores how to inspire care from her husband about their malfunctioning stove, a friend wants to find out what her friend group is invested in, and a homeowner tries to inspire her HOA to care more about clean well-water.
- 1:36 Our stove is broken. How do I get my partner to care about it?
- 5:25 Conversations: Tactical and relational layers
- 9:43 Amplifying others’ good intentions
- 16:59 Having an honest discussion with a friend group
- 21:05 Checking something out: Do you still want a connection with me?
- 23:36 I want to show up differently in this conflict I have
- 31:23 How to inspire care with the members of my HOA
Interested in learning more ways to help others connect to themselves? NVC for Self-Connection is a good place to start.
Do you struggle with inspiring care in others?
What has worked for you in the past?
I’d love to know. Please leave a comment below.
