On a recent Conversations from the Heart episode, we dove into the nuances of how to work with defensive people so that we can turn resistance into deeper connections.

One of my favorite cartoons is of two people in a heated discussion, with the caption: “Why do you always get so defensive when I attack you?”

The humor lies in the irony, but seriously – haven’t we all been there?

Naturally, we get defensive and want to protect ourselves when we think we’re being attacked, but often this comes at the cost of deeper understanding or connection.

And, what if we aren’t actually being attacked?
What if, as Marshall Rosenberg would often put it, people are simply trying to ask for something deeply important to them?
What if we learned how to listen differently?

Why We Get Defensive

Defensiveness is universal. It’s a natural way our nervous system protects us, a kind of shield we raise when we feel threatened, misunderstood, or vulnerable. During the podcast, one of our listeners shared how her friend’s judgmental tendencies stemmed from a lifetime of familial criticism. Her judgment wasn’t just a personality quirk—it was a strategy for keeping herself emotionally safe. By dismissing others first, she avoided the risk of being dismissed herself.

When we see defensiveness in this light, it becomes easier to meet it with curiosity instead of frustration. Behind every defense is an unspoken need—often for safety, respect, or validation. Understanding this is the first step to transforming defensiveness from a barrier into a bridge.

Step One: Approach with Curiosity

On the podcast, we talked about how analyzing or judging someone’s defenses only leads to more defenses. If someone feels like they’re being attacked, they’ll naturally raise their guard. That’s why I always advocate starting with curiosity.

For example, if someone reacts defensively when meeting new people, I might ask myself: What’s happening for them in this moment? What might they be protecting? Then, I can engage with gentle curiosity: “I noticed you had some strong opinions about Amy. I’m curious—what was it about her that didn’t click for you?”

This type of inquiry isn’t about finding fault. It’s about creating space for their perspective, however raw or incomplete it might feel.

Step Two: Lead with Acceptance

One of the most powerful takeaways from our podcast conversation was this: Trust grows when we work with someone’s defenses instead of against them. When we approach defensiveness as something to be fixed, we unintentionally reinforce the very thing we’re hoping to dissolve. Instead, I’ve found that offering acceptance—exactly where they are—is what creates the safety needed for real change.

For instance, if someone’s critical of others, it might help to recognize their underlying need: “It seems like having clear standards is really important to you.” When we create conditions in which people feel seen and understood, their need to defend themselves often softens.  Make it a goal to become a safer and safer person for others to be around.

Step Three: Share Vulnerably, but Gently

Vulnerability is one of the best tools we have for breaking through defensiveness. During the podcast, a listener role-played how she might talk to her friend about how criticism affected her. Together, we crafted an approach that started with her own feelings: “When you criticized Amy, I felt protective of her because she’s someone I care deeply about. It made me wonder if I’ve ever made you feel uncomfortable, too.”

The beauty of this approach is that it doesn’t attack. It doesn’t say, “You’re judgmental,” or, “You’re wrong.” Instead, it invites understanding by making the experience about you and what you’re feeling. Vulnerability creates an opening—an invitation for connection rather than conflict.

Step Four: Hold Space for Their Defenses

One thing I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, is that people need to feel safe before they can let down their defenses. During our podcast episode, I shared how important it is to give people the experience of being truly seen and accepted. This means holding space for their defenses without trying to dismantle them.

When someone is defensive, I try to listen for the story underneath. What are they really trying to say? If a family member lashes out with harsh words, I might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed. Tell me more about what’s going on.” This shifts the focus from their actions to their emotions, allowing them to feel understood.

Step Five: Keep the Focus on the Dynamic, Not the Person

It’s easy to slip into conversations that sound like character critiques—“You’re too judgmental,” “You always dismiss people,” or “Why can’t you just be kinder?” But as we explored in the podcast, this approach rarely lands well. Instead, I encourage focusing on the dynamic at play.

For example, if a friend tends to critique everyone you introduce them to, you might say: “I’ve noticed that when I introduce you to new people, it often feels tense afterward. I’d love for us to find a way to feel more comfortable in those situations.” Framing the issue as a shared challenge keeps the conversation collaborative rather than confrontational.

Step Six: Take Small Steps

Big breakthroughs are rare in relationships. More often, trust and connection are built incrementally, through small moments of empathy and understanding. In the podcast, I talked about starting light—maybe even playful. It might be as simple as validating someone’s perspective, pointing out their strengths, or letting them share their thoughts without interruption.

Each small step creates a foundation for bigger conversations down the road. Relationships thrive when they’re nurtured patiently, one moment at a time.

Step Seven: Balance Empathy with Boundaries

Finally, it’s important to remember that working with defensiveness doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. Empathy is a gift, but it should never come at the cost of your emotional well-being. During the podcast, we discussed how to set boundaries respectfully. For example:

“I care about our connection, but I feel distant when our conversations become critical. Can we focus on what we value in people instead?”
“I want to stay close, but I need to step away when things feel too heated. Let’s revisit this when we’re both calmer.”
Boundaries, when expressed with care, can protect your well-being while still honoring the relationship.

A Reflection: When Defensiveness Becomes a Mirror

One of the most profound moments from the episode came when we acknowledged how defensiveness often mirrors itself. When I judge someone for being defensive, I’m reinforcing the very dynamic I’m trying to avoid. By working through my own reactions, I can approach others with greater understanding and patience.

This is something I’m continually working on. Each time I notice my resistance to someone’s defensiveness, I try to pause and ask: What is this bringing up in me? How can I meet their defenses with curiosity and care?

As you often hear me say, personal growth is a journey, not a destination.

Working with defensiveness isn’t about fixing someone else or even changing them—it’s about fostering an environment where understanding can flourish. It’s about meeting people where they are, with all their messy, imperfect humanity, and inviting them into something gentler, more authentic.

On this episode, we listen to three different scenarios that can be turned around with the use of really clear requests.  We discuss:

• 1:00 My friend is so judgmental of my other friends.  How can I talk to her about this?
• 6:00 Why clear requests are so essential.
• 9:49 Want to experience more care?  Try this move.
• 11:39 Leading with curiosity
• 19:44 Working with others’ defenses.
• 20:57 How can I warm the relationship I have with my daughter?
• 29:07 How can I request an invitation to dinner?

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s keep the conversation going.  Where do you struggle with disarming someone’s defensiveness?  I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.

Want to read even more?  Check out My Formula for Overcoming Defensiveness.