We’ve all been there: that moment when we hear something that makes our hearts race, our stomachs churn, and our minds spin.
It could be a comment, an assumption, or a dismissive remark that doesn’t sit well.
Something that perpetuates old patterns of harm and injustice.
And yet, many of us find ourselves holding back, opting for politeness over authenticity, afraid that if we speak up, we’ll create conflict or alienate others.
But what if there were a way to say the disruptive thing without creating more division?
What if we could hold onto our integrity while still building bridges with others?
What if we were all more able to speak up with empathy?
In today’s world, especially in conversations that touch on race, history, and power dynamics, finding the balance between honesty and empathy is more important than ever. It’s crucial we stop worrying about being nice and instead start figuring out how to be real (and relational).
What would it be like to step into those difficult moments with an open heart and a willingness to connect, even when the conversation is uncomfortable? What does it mean to speak up with empathy?
Here are some practical steps to help us speak up with empathy and accountability in order to make room for real change:
1. Slow Down and Identify the Real Need
When we’re faced with a challenging moment—when someone says something that feels dismissive or hurtful—our first instinct might be to react. But what if, instead, we took a breath and asked ourselves: What is my real need here? Maybe it’s a longing for respect, for mutual understanding, or for a world where everyone’s dignity is honored. By slowing down and connecting with our core need, we can choose our words more thoughtfully, making sure they align with what we truly value.
For example, when we want to “put someone in their place,” it’s often because we’re feeling a deep need for justice or change. But rather than focusing on the impulse to correct or punish, we can focus on expressing our desire for a world where everyone’s voice matters. When we speak up with empathy, we speak in a way that invites others into the conversation rather than shutting them down.
2. Create Space for Dialogue, Not Defensiveness
It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing others as the enemy when they hold different views—especially on topics like race, where emotions run high. But if our goal is to create real change, we need to keep our focus on connection rather than division. One way to do this is by making what’s implicit, explicit. For example, if we notice someone rolling their eyes when we mention a topic like indigenous heritage or social justice, we can say: “I noticed your reaction when I mentioned this. I’m curious about how to interpret that and about what you think—can we talk about it?”
By inviting dialogue, we create an opportunity for both sides to be heard. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with each other, but it does mean that we’re choosing to engage rather than escalate. And when we do this with empathy, we create a space where the other person can reflect without feeling attacked. This is where true learning and change begin.
3. Empathy for Others, Empathy for Ourselves
These conversations are hard because they can be draining, and they often bring up our own pain, fears and discomfort. When we make a commitment to lead with empathy —not just for others, but for ourselves as well – we soothe our nervous systems and build more resourcefulness into our conversations. If we find ourselves holding onto a grudge or feeling overwhelmed by someone’s words, it can help to name it honestly: “This is really painful for me to hear.” Or, “I’m struggling with what was said, and I want to be able to understand your perspective without losing my own.”
This kind of honesty doesn’t just help us stay grounded; it also invites others to open up about their own experiences. When we’re real about our struggles, we’re modeling a different way of being—one that prioritizes being real and connected over politeness, and authenticity over silence. When we speak up with empathy, we bring empathy for ourselves and for others to the table.
4. Meet People’s Needs, Not Their Defensiveness
In many conversations, especially around difficult social issues, we hear phrases like, “We’re doing the best we can” or “We have to focus on our own security.” These statements often come from a place of fear—fear of change, fear of loss, fear of the unknown. And while those fears are real, we can gently remind ourselves and others that none of us are safe until all of us are safe.
Until we become aware and courageous, fear will breed more fear. Violence will breed more violence. True safety and security don’t come from shutting others out; they come from creating a world where everyone’s needs are met.
Miki Kashtan once said that “the quickest way to reduce violence on our planet is to meet everyone’s needs.” When people feel seen, heard, and valued, their fear diminishes, and their capacity for empathy grows. This doesn’t mean we avoid hard truths or ignore injustice. It means that we approach those truths with the intention of building understanding, not just winning an argument. It means recognizing that when we advocate for the needs of all people, we’re building a foundation where everyone can thrive.
5. Embrace Imperfection and Keep Practicing
It’s easy to feel like we need to get it right every time—that if we don’t say exactly the right thing, we’ve failed. But perfectionism can be a trap, keeping us silent when we most need to speak up. Instead, let’s embrace the idea that “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” This means giving ourselves permission to stumble, to be awkward, to not always have the perfect words. What matters is that we keep showing up, keep practicing, and keep learning from each conversation.
Remember, change is a process. It’s not about winning someone over in a single conversation; it’s about planting seeds for the future. When we speak up with heart, we’re not just trying to change someone’s mind—we’re creating the conditions for a new way of relating to one another. It’s slower and gentler than we might like, but it’s also deeper and more sustainable.
6. Self-Care and Boundaries Are Part of the Work
As much as we want to engage, it’s also essential to know when to step back. Sometimes, the most compassionate thing we can do is to recognize our own limits and take a break. If we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to say, “I think I’m full up right now, and I need some time to process.” By respecting our own boundaries, we’re modeling the kind of self-care that allows us to return to these difficult conversations with renewed energy and clarity. Remember, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing up in a way that is sustainable for ourselves and the people around us.
Taking care of ourselves in these moments isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When we recharge, we can reenter these conversations with a steadier heart and a clearer sense of what we want to bring into the world. And that’s what allows us to keep doing this work for the long haul.
7. The Power of Vulnerability: Planting Seeds, Not Demanding Change
One of the most challenging aspects of speaking up is letting go of the need for an immediate, satisfying response. It’s hard not to crave that moment where the other person suddenly “gets it,” where they see the world as we do. But real change often takes time, and it might happen long after our conversation is over. Our role isn’t always to see the results right away—it’s to plant seeds of understanding that might take root later on.
When we speak from a place of vulnerability—when we share what’s in our hearts without demanding a certain outcome—we give others the space they need to reflect and grow at their own pace. It might feel slow, but it’s how we create lasting transformation. And it’s how we stay true to ourselves in the process.
8. Moving Forward with Courage and Compassion
So, how do we put all of this into practice? We start small, with the conversations in front of us. The next time we find ourselves in a situation where we’re tempted to stay silent for the sake of politeness, we can ask ourselves: What am I standing for right now? Am I standing for my values, for mutual respect, for a world that listens to all voices? If so, what small step can I take to express that, even if it feels awkward or difficult? How can I speak up with empathy?
It might look like gently naming what’s unspoken in a conversation. It might mean sharing how a comment makes us feel or asking others about their experiences. And sometimes, it might mean pausing, gathering our thoughts, and coming back to the conversation when we feel ready. What’s important is that we keep showing up, keep choosing connection over convenience, and keep believing that our words can make a difference.
Together, We Can Build a Better Way
The journey of saying the disruptive thing—of bringing our full selves into conversations about race, justice, and human dignity—isn’t easy. But it’s one that so many of us are on together. When we choose to speak up with empathy and accountability, we’re choosing to be part of a different story—a story where we don’t just brush over the hard truths, but where we also don’t lose our capacity for love and care along the way.
Let’s remember that every time we take the risk to speak up with empathy, we’re contributing to a world that’s a little more honest, a little more compassionate, and a lot more real. And as we practice this together, we’re building the muscles of empathy, resilience, and courage that will serve us—and those around us—for years to come.
So, let’s stop being polite. Let’s stop settling for the comfort of silence when our hearts are calling us to speak. Instead, let’s speak up with empathy. Let’s plant those seeds of change and trust that, with time, they will grow into something beautiful and true. And above all, let’s do it knowing that we’re not alone on this path—we’re part of a community of people who believe that our words, our courage, and our willingness to connect can create a world where everyone’s needs are met, and where true safety and justice are possible for all of us.
On episode 64 of Conversations from the Heart, I dive into this very conversation with Georgia, about racial power dynamics in present day South Africa, and we talk about ways to speak up with empathy.
We discuss:
- 1:44 How can I show up authentically around my husband’s colleagues when we see the world so differently?
- 3:34 One of the dynamics present is the devaluation of indigenous history and culture
- 5:55 How to step out of the old domination game
- 7:43 Making the implicit explicit
- 12:54 Empathizing with the other side
- 16:37 The importance of expressing care
- 18:45 It’s enough to introduce a disruptive voice into the room
If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Have you had moments where you spoke up when it felt risky? What’s helped you balance empathy and accountability in those moments? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below, and if you found this post helpful, please share it with others who might need a little extra encouragement on this journey.
If you’d like to have even more resources on how to speak up with empathy, check out Try These Three Words When Things Go Wrong.
