Did you know that feeling responsible for other people’s feelings can actually block your empathy for them?

Today I want to dive into a key distinction that can make or break our relationships: the crucial difference between having empathy and caring about how others feel and the fine line of overstepping and taking responsibility for how others feel.  

So often we confuse these two things, and end up either taking far too much responsibility for other people’s reactions, or on the other hand, becoming dismissive and devaluing of others’ feelings and responses to us.

Empathy vs. Responsibility

When we take on responsibility for someone else’s emotions or reactions, we stop seeing things clearly. We get wrapped up in guilt, anxiety, or even frustration because we think their feelings are somehow our fault. On the other hand, when we disavow or dismiss any part or influence in how someone else might be feeling or responding to us, we lose a vital opportunity for connection, growth or learning for ourselves.

So, where is the sweet spot between too much responsibility for others, and not enough?

Start by recognizing that what we need to do is recognize that emotions are simply data  – they give us information about ourselves and other people. How someone reacts tells us about their needs, their values, or their experiences. It’s not a “report card” on us. Other people’s feelings about us or in response to us don’t define whether we are good or bad people, and when we remember that, it frees us up to be more present, more understanding, and honestly, more helpful.

Empathy Without Taking Responsibility

This doesn’t mean we stop caring. In fact, caring is essential in any relationship. But we need to get comfortable with saying, “I care about how you’re feeling, and I understand that it’s telling me something important about you, tell me more about what matters to you about this and what you’re needing.” We can care about how someone feels without taking responsibility for their feelings. This is a huge shift. We can show up, listen, and empathize, without trying to fix or manage their emotional experience.

When we do this, we protect ourselves from burnout and resentment, and we give the other person the dignity of owning their own feelings. We also protect our ability to feel empathy.  It’s about finding that sweet spot where we’re present, but we’re not overstepping into trying to control something that isn’t ours to control.

Keep Learning and Attuning

At the same time, let me be clear, I’m not saying that we stop learning from how others feel about what we say or do.
There’s still a lot we can learn from how our actions impact others.
Just because we aren’t responsible for how they interpret and take things and what they are feelings doesn’t mean we don’t care about the effect we have on them.
But the key is this: what they feel isn’t our report card.

Don’t internalize other people’s feelings as if they are an indictment and judgment of you.

Instead, stay open to the feedback you get from others, while recognizing that their perceptions, meaning-making and emotional response belongs to them.
We can reflect on it and learn from it without carrying it like a burden, or reactively defending against it.

Connection Through Empathy, Not Fear

When we make this shift, something really amazing happens. Instead of seeing other people’s emotions as something to fear – like, “Oh no, I’ve upset them; what do I do?” – we start to see their emotions as opportunities for connection. Imagine responding in a way where their feelings elicit more connectedness, not fear in us.

By not taking on responsibility for their emotional state, we get to stay grounded in our own feelings.
And from that place, we can be more present with them.
We’re not scrambling to fix anything; we’re just there, showing care without getting tangled up in fear or guilt.
This makes our connections deeper and more authentic, and increases our empathy.

One of the best tools we can use to practice this is reflecting someone’s feelings and needs back to them.
When we notice that someone is feeling a certain way, we might offer something like, “It seems like you’re feeling really sad or upset right now, and maybe needing some comfort or support. Is that true?”
This shows that we care and that we’re paying attention, without feeling guilt or shame about “causing” their negative emotions, which might lead us into deeper defensiveness and disconnection.

Reflecting feelings gives the other person space to feel what they’re feeling and opens the door for a conversation, all while keeping our own boundaries intact.

 A Balanced Approach to Empathy

We can care deeply about the impact we are having on others, or how someone is feeling about something else, without taking responsibility for how others feel.  In fact, the less we feel responsible for their feelings, the more empathic we are actually able to be towards them!   We don’t need to carry the weight of their emotional world on our shoulders. Their emotions are about them, not about us. By holding this boundary, we actually make space for healthier relationships, where we can be truly empathetic and connected without losing ourselves in the process.

When we practice this balanced approach to empathy, we can show up for others, stay grounded in ourselves, and build stronger, more authentic relationships. Remember: Caring about someone’s emotions and experiences, and being held responsible for them, are two different things. And when we get that right, we all benefit.

On  Episode 66 of the podcast, we dive into all things Friendship – and the balancing of self with others as our friendships evolve and change.

Here are some highlights:

• 1:01  How do I take a break from a friendship?
• 8:10  How to acknowledge a truth instead of debate it.
• 14:46  Is it worth it to try and reveal myself to a friend or should I just cut ties?
• 19:55  How to be vulnerable with those who deserve to hear it.
• 21:23  How denying ourselves a whole hearted yes or a whole hearted no hurts us.
• 24:47  The difference between a peer and a project.
• 28:19  How do I allow myself permission to change my mind?
• 29:26  Allowing people to solve their own problems is an act of respect.
• 34:07  The only people who object to us looking after ourselves are the people who benefit when we don’t.
• 35:40  How can I approach a friend about the past?
• 41:25  I can always tell the truth, but can I field the response?
• 44:42  What prevents us from feeling empathy?
• 50:16  Help me decline an invitation!

If you’d like to read more on empathy, consider The Dance Between Empathy, Self-Protection, and Boundary Setting.

Do you struggle with taking on too much of a friend’s emotions?  Does it affect your ability to empathize with them?  I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.