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Solid relationships are built on trust.
One of the main reasons that relationships become “broken” is the betrayal of fundamental trust – a trust that goes beyond sexual infidelity and includes:
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Trust that we care about one another
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Trust that we have one another’s back
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Trust that we are safe with one another
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Trust that our well-being is important to one another
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Trust that our intentions are to love and serve one another, not to harm one another
Trust is absolutely foundational to safety and love.
However, when our relationships are characterized by sharing our judgments in an attempt to change and mold other people into who we need them to be, we erode safety and trust.
So what makes us feel safe in our relationships?
- Having no judgments about the person you’re with, and
- Not trying to constantly change and improve the person you’re with
The skill of telling the truth with no judgment and no agenda is foundational to trust-building and to healing reconnections, and is also the focus for my Full Membership in April.
When things go “wrong” in our relationships, many of us try to talk about our hurt, helplessness, disappointment, pain, and longings by sharing our judgments and evaluations of the other person.
We habitually talk about what we don’t want, what we don’t like, and lead with our analysis of what might be “wrong” with the other person or with ourselves.
To compound the problem, we then start to focus on how we wish the other person were different.
If they could just…
Be more aware.
Be less selfish.
Speak differently.
Listen differently.
Understand us more accurately.
Want the same things we want.
Value the same things we value.
If we could just get them to see how their changing would improve our lives – and would improve their lives too! 😉
This rarely works. Met with all this analysis, evaluation, and pressure for change, most people dig in their heels, defend themselves, and explain themselves. And if those don’t work, they distance themselves.
If you’d like to reconnect, repair, or rebuild connections in your life, you need to find a way of being, speaking, and listening that meets people’s needs for safety, authenticity, and trust, and this often starts with learning how to speak honestly and candidly about what matters to you, but in loving and kind ways.
If you’d like to dive more deeply into rebuilding broken relationships, join us for a month of Full membership.
We’ll be exploring how dishonesty and self-deception create more disconnection, how to be loving and honest about the things that matter, how to include and care for the needs of everyone involved, and how to approach old conflicts in new ways.
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