There’s a particular ache that comes when you’re trying to have a heartfelt conversation and the other person is playing by old rules in a completely different rulebook.
The old domination system rule book …
Where emotions are liabilities.
Questions are weapons.
And being “right” matters more than being real.
If you’ve ever tried to express vulnerability to someone who meets you with interrogation, or dared to disagree only to be met with contempt or silence, you’re not alone. These aren’t just personal dynamics. They’re the ripple effects of a deeper cultural training that trains men to lead with control, and women to perform for connection.
In Episode 97 of Conversations from the Heart, two courageous callers brought these exact struggles to the surface:
- One, trying to stay connected to a beloved but emotionally rigid brother.
- The other, attempting to exit conversations that left her feeling grilled, exposed, and powerless.
Different relationships, same undercurrent:
Patriarchal patterns of dominance, dismissal, and emotional detachment, and our exploration of the quiet revolution of reclaiming voice, boundaries, and self-trust.
Here, I will explore some of the moves we practiced in that episode and show you how you can use them to disrupt old patterns and create new possibilities, one moment at a time.
Old Pattern #1: Criticism Masquerading as Concern
Prerana loves her brother. But every time she opens up about her life, he critiques it harshly. Instead of encouragement, she gets interrogation. Instead of connection, she feels stupid and small.
She’s not trying to change him. She just wants to stop shrinking around him.
New Move: Ground Yourself in Self-Knowing
Before you try to say anything new, start by seeing clearly what’s happening in you.
Ask yourself:
- What part of me is speaking when I feel small?
- What do I know to be true about my choices, even if he never agrees?
In the episode, we practiced saying:
Ouch. When you say that, I notice I feel deflated and guarded. I want a relationship with you, but I also want to be seen and valued. And I don’t know how to do both right now.
That kind of honest, inner-truth language isn’t always something we say out loud (especially if we know it won’t land). But it is something we can say to ourselves to interrupt the internalization of disrespect, and return to our center.
Listen at minute 6:00 in the podcast for how we build this kind of language in real time.
Old Pattern #2: Interrogation Disguised as Curiosity
Jaya found herself answering endless questions in conversations that felt… off. On the surface, the questions seemed harmless. But inside, she felt suspicious, exposed, and a little violated.
Still, she kept answering. Because saying I don’t want to talk about this felt rude. And what if she was overreacting?
New Move: Exit Without Over-Explaining
You don’t need to earn your exit. You don’t need to justify your discomfort.
You can simply say:
Actually, I don’t want to keep talking about this right now.
If that feels too blunt, soften the edges:
I’m noticing I need a little space before we keep going—I’m feeling a bit off and want to reconnect with myself.
Or redirect entirely:
I’m feeling done with that topic. But I’d love to hear how your week’s going.
These are modern-day power moves. Not because they’re flashy, but because they honor your inner knowing, without sacrificing kindness or connection.
Jump to minute 39:00 in the podcast for examples of boundary-setting in conversation, including live roleplay with real language.
Behind the Behavior: Why These Patterns Persist
I want to remind you that the men in these stories weren’t villains. They were simply playing by old internalized rules that they didn’t set up, but also have not examined.
Rules that say:
- Don’t show emotion; it’s weak.
- Be right, not receptive.
- Maintain control by questioning everything.
And women?
We were taught to:
- Be good.
- Be accommodating.
- Keep the peace; even at the cost of our own voices.
To disrupt these patterns, we don’t need to shame anyone. But we do need to stop shrinking, explaining, and proving.
We need to name what hurts.
We need to exit conversations that aren’t safe.
We need to practice speaking like grown-ups, even when the other person can’t meet us there.
What Helps Dismantle Old Rules?
-
Validate your own experience.
If something feels off, that’s enough. Don’t gaslight yourself.
-
Practice boundary language in low-stakes moments.
So when things get hot, you have the muscle memory to step back, not in.
-
Stop trying to be “good.”
Good is often just code for obedient. Start being honest, loving, and clear instead.
-
Use natural language, not perfect scripts.
Speak in a way that you would understand, not what a textbook says is “nonviolent.”
Final Thought
Patriarchy doesn’t just live in systems. It lives in conversations. In tone. In silence. In the invisible rules we follow without realizing.
But here’s the good news:
Every time you say, That doesn’t work for me,
Every time you stop answering questions that feel wrong,
Every time you grieve the fantasy of being understood and show up anyway, you are participating in the soft revolution.
And that revolution begins not with blame, but with boundaries.
Not with punishment, but with presence.
Not with control, but with the power of love.
For deeper support and more language to help you shift these patterns, tune in to Episode 97 of the Conversations from the Heart podcast.
How do you dismantle the patriarchy? I’d love to know. Leave your strategies below.
