Co-parenting is never simple, but when your ex-partner exhibits narcissistic tendencies, the challenges can feel insurmountable.

You may find yourself oscillating between hope for collaboration and frustration at the reality of unpredictability and conflict.

How do you discern what’s possible, protect your child’s well-being, and maintain your sanity?

This post dives into the nuances of co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, examining the differences from healthy co-parenting and offering practical tips and scripts for navigating this complex dynamic.

Understanding Narcissism in Co-Parenting

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, from healthy self-advocacy to deeply entrenched self-centeredness that prioritizes power and control over collaboration.  A narcissistic defense is a coping mechanism, often unconscious, that can create cycles of harm, manipulation, and conflict.  Recognizing this defense can help you stop feeling crazy or doubting your perceptions when interacting with your ex.

Key Traits of Narcissistic Co-Parenting:

1. Unpredictability: Cooperative moments may be followed by sabotage or hostility.
2. Control over Connection: Decisions often reflect their need for power rather than the child’s well-being.
3. Mirage of Collaboration: They may say all the right things but fail to follow through consistently.

To protect yourself and your child, focus less on your ex’s words and more on their patterns of behavior.
How a narcissistically-oriented person acts is a far more reliable indicator of the truth than what they say.
And, often their actions and words will not align.  Believe their actions, not their words.

Healthy Co-Parenting vs. Narcissistic Co-Parenting

Healthy co-parenting fosters mutual respect, open communication, and a shared focus on the child’s needs.

In health co-parenting situations, both parents:

• Share information easily and non-defensively.
• Are open to suggestions and negotiate differences without power struggles.
• Create consistent routines and predictable environments.

In contrast, when one or both of the partners are on the narcissism spectrum, co-parenting tends to be characterized by:

• Power Struggles: Requests are met with resistance, as any suggestion may feel like an attack on their autonomy.
• Inconsistent Behavior: They may appear cooperative one moment and oppositional the next.
• Emotional Manipulation: Conflicts may be reframed to make you feel like the unreasonable or controlling party.

Strategies for Co-Parenting with a Narcissistic Ex

If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, your primary task is to stay grounded in your values and focus on what you can control. Here’s how:

1. Shift from Co-Parenting to Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting minimizes direct interaction and reduces opportunities for conflict. Create a detailed parenting plan that covers:

• Custody schedules
• Drop-off and pick-up logistics
• Communication methods (preferably written, like email or parenting apps)

Avoid relying on verbal agreements, as they can easily be manipulated or disregarded.

2. Frame Requests Strategically

When you need to make a request, approach it as an invitation, not a demand. Narcissists resist feeling controlled, so framing requests as options can reduce defensiveness. For example:

• Unhelpful: “You need to stop giving our child sugary snacks.”
• Helpful: “I’ve noticed sugary snacks can affect his energy. I’m going to start to replace them with some protein and veggie-forward snacks instead. I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

Be specific, concrete, and nonjudgmental in your requests. Keep your focus on the child’s well-being, not the ex’s behavior.

3. Let Go of Control

Accept that you cannot dictate what happens in the other parent’s household. While this is painful, redirecting your energy to what you can control—your own home and interactions—protects your emotional well-being. Focus on creating a stable, nurturing environment for your child when they’re with you.

4. Document Everything

Keep a written record of agreements, schedules, and important incidents. Tools like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents can be invaluable for ensuring accountability and maintaining a professional tone in all interactions.

5. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Boundaries are essential for maintaining your mental health. For example:

• Limit communication to co-parenting topics only.
• Avoid engaging in arguments or emotional conversations.  Don’t “get into it.”
• Politely but firmly decline when they attempt to drag you into unnecessary conflicts.

6. Prioritize Your Child’s Emotional Safety

Children often feel caught in the crossfire of high-conflict co-parenting. Be a safe haven for your child by:

• Listening without judgment if they express concerns about the other parent.
• Help them connect to their needs and generate options and choices if possible.
• Modeling healthy communication and emotional regulation.
• Providing consistency and stability in your home.

Scripts for Common Co-Parenting Scenarios

Here are some examples of how to navigate tricky situations with a more narcissistic ex:

Requesting Cooperation
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me about what our child needs,” try:
“For [our child’s] health, I’d love to keep meals consistent between households. Would you consider including [specific food] during your time with them?”

And then, let go of the outcome.

Addressing Disagreements
If your ex challenges your decisions, avoid getting defensive. Say:
 “I hear that you see this differently. In my house, I’ll be handling it this way. You’re, of course, free to handle it differently in yours.”

And then, let go of the outcome.

Dealing with Broken Agreements
When they fail to follow through, avoid accusations. Instead, calmly restate the agreement:
“I noticed [agreement] didn’t happen. Let’s revisit what we discussed to ensure we’re clear moving forward.”

And then, let go of the outcome.

The Role of Grief in Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

If you discover that you truly are co-parenting with a narcissist, grief will be an inevitable part of this journey.

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the loss of control over what happens when your child is with their other parent.  You love your child deeply, and the idea that their experiences might not align with the nurturing and stability you work so hard to provide can feel overwhelming.

The grief you feel will often be layered.
There’s the heartbreak of knowing you can’t shield your child from everything, the longing for a harmonious co-parenting dynamic that simply may not be possible, the deep frustration of unmet expectations.

It’s heavy, and it’s real.

Just be kind yourself and remember that your grief is not a sign of failure.
It’s a reflection of how much you care.
It shows your desire to create the best possible world for your child, even in a situation that’s far from ideal.

Give yourself permission to feel all of it: the sadness, the anger, the helplessness, and even the exhaustion.
Let those emotions move through you, knowing they are part of the process.  And as you do, remind yourself that your love and consistency are gifts that will anchor your child, no matter what.

Reach out to friends, a therapist, or a support group of others who’ve been in similar situations.  Sharing your feelings can lighten the load and remind you that you’re not the only one navigating these waters.

This path is challenging, but your care and intention are powerful.  Even in the face of grief, you are showing up with resilience and love—and that matters.

When to Seek Outside Help

While many of the mindsets and strategies here might help you with the day to day management of the relationship, remember to enlist the support of protective systems and professionals when your child’s safety is at risk or you face significant challenges that exceed your ability to cope alone in safe ways. You may choose to engage:

• A family therapist or counselor for emotional resilience and co-parenting strategies.
• A lawyer to address violations of custody agreements.
• Child protective services if there are concerns of abuse or neglect.

Focus on What You Can Control

Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex often feels like navigating a minefield of unpredictability and power struggles.
By staying grounded in your values, letting go of what you cannot control, and focusing on creating a stable, loving environment for your child, you can minimize the impact of their behavior.

Remember, you can’t change your ex, but you can control your reactions and the energy you bring to your child’s life.

Over time, your child will benefit from the consistency and emotional safety you provide—even if it contrasts with their other parent’s approach.

Above all, trust yourself and your capacity to parent well under challenging circumstances.  Your strength and resilience will be a guiding light for your child, no matter the challenges ahead.

Want to listen to the conversation that inspired this post?  On Episode 71: How To Survive Co-parenting with a Narcissistic Ex, we explore:

1:01 How can I co-parent best?
13:48 Will my requests make a sticky situation worse?
20:23 A helpful hint when dealing with narcissistic defenses
22:24 How can I open the door to a deeper conversation with my adult child?
30:09 What I’d want to hear from an estranged parent
33:33 How can I invite my roommate into a conversation?

Find more parenting advice here:  A Better Way to Parent or check out my Parenting Masterclass.

Do you struggle with issues surrounding co-parenting?  I’d love to know what’s worked, and what hasn’t.  Leave a comment below.