In a time when so many of us feel polarized, navigating challenging conversations with loved ones has become more important—and more difficult—than ever.

In the wake of the recent elections in the United States, I’ve been hearing more than ever about how hard it is for some people to continue to extend compassion, patience or generosity to people in their lives who voted for “the other side.”

I get it.
I feel it too.

With the holiday season and in-person conversations approaching, many of us will be spending time with friends and family members who voted in ways that reveal deep, fundamental differences in our values, perceptions and priorities.

Some of us are facing a difficult choice in our relationships: on the one hand, choosing the isolating, lonely external security of conforming to people who do not share our values or vision for a better world and not rocking the boat, or on the other hand, risking judgment, rejecting or criticism by standing up for our authentic beliefs and staying true to our authentic selves.

What do we do when we want connected conversations and good relationships with our family members, but at the same time, we don’t feel safe to express our authentic selves around them?

In a recent episode of my Conversations from the Heart podcast, I spoke with a caller facing this very dilemma.

For those of you experiencing something similar, I created this Post-Election Self-Care Guide just for you, inspired by our conversations.

1. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions

Identify your feelings. Take time to notice and name emotions like sadness, anger, frustration, fear or helplessness. Spend time feeling your feelings in many small doses over time, perhaps in specific time blocks, so that you can titrate them and avoid becoming overwhelmed and paralyzed by them.

Find healthy outlets for how you’re feeling: journal, meditate, talk with trusted others who can hold space for your wide range of emotions without moving to “fix” them.

2. Define Your Personal Values and Priorities

Clarify what exactly matters to you: reflect on the values that guide your life – things like kindness, respect, justice, freedom, choice, a world that works for all people, etc. Groudning yourself in the things that you value and work for and want to bring more of into the world will help you make choices that align with your true self.

Connect with your Universal Human Needs: For each of the feelings identified above, try to surface the need that is trying to get your attention. If you’re feeling lonely, are you needing community? If you’re feeling despair, are you needing hope? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, are you needing more space, choice or agency? Once you’ve connected to your needs, your nervous system will settle a little, and then you can turn your attention to how you might honor and meet those needs.

3. Redefine and critique the concept of “family duty.”

When it comes to how we believe we are “supposed to” show up, or “should” show up with others, take some time to critically examine what you’ve internalized and what needs to be released or updated in your own belief system.

For example, in the podcast episode I referenced, the caller was struggling with the concept of duty: it was exerting undue control over her.

There’s a fundamental difference between healthy duty (which supports mutual growth, interdependence and genuine connection) and toxic forms of duty (which support exploitative relationships and compliance).

Your sense of duty to family or friends doesn’t need to involve sacrificing your well-being. If following your “sense of duty” is leading to resentment, fear and exhaustion, it’s a red flag.

We have a duty to one another in the sense that our well-being is intricately tied to one another. This kind of duty is reminiscent of the spiritual teachings that whatever we do to one of us, we are doing to all of us. When we recognize our inherent interconnectedness, we see that looking after ourselves and looking after one another is actually the same thing.

However, when the concept of “duty” is used to guilt, shame, coerce or control people to behave in ways that are actually self-harming, it becomes a poison in our relationships, making us all sick. Take some time to discern the difference between healthy duty (an essential element of interdependence) and toxic duty (compliance and self-betrayal).

Healthy duty tends to:

• Feel energizing even when it requires effort (like helping a family member move – it’s tiring but satisfying)
• Allow for flexibility and discussion about needs
• Include reciprocity – perhaps not always equal, but generally balanced over time
• Respect your right to say “not right now” without inducing guilt
• Leave you feeling more connected after fulfilling it
• Acknowledge your limitations and humanity

Toxic duty, in contrast, often:

• Depletes your emotional resources consistently
• Comes with rigid expectations and “should” statements
• Features one-way giving with little acknowledgment or reciprocity
• Uses guilt or shame as motivation
• Leaves you feeling resentful or diminished
• Demands superhuman consistency or perfection

So, remind yourself that connection is about quality rather than quantity; sometimes a little distance can improve relationships and create a safer space. Just as you might adjust the volume on your headphones depending on the situation, you can thoughtfully adjust the intensity of family interactions based on what creates healthy dynamics.

There isn’t one “right” way to maintain family relationships. While cultural norms often emphasize closeness and loyalty, these are also hallmarks of dysfunction and abuse, so be careful. Connection doesn’t mean constant interaction or deep alignment on every issue, and has room for generative disagreements. Instead, you can define what family connection looks like in a way that feels healthy and balanced.

Sometimes you might want to just connect around neutral topics or through occasional conversations and check-ins. Other times you might choose minimal contact or maintaining a respectful but distant relationship.

Honoring what feels healthy for you, even if it’s unconventional, is an act of self-respect. Family connection is about the quality of interactions rather than the frequency or depth, and it’s okay to seek relationships that leave you feeling safe and respected.

4. Define and Communicate Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries with others by deciding what you are and are not willing to engage in and under what conditions, is essential for your emotional and psychological safety. Remember that boundaries concern what we will do in any given set of circumstances, not what we want to coerce others into doing.

So, give yourself permission to bow out of interactions that feel harmful to you.

For example, you might want to limit your own engagement around certain triggering topics, if you don’t feel solid enough in yourself to navigate them in ways that feel good to you.

It could sound like:

• “I’d like to keep our conversation away from politics (or other sensitive topics) so we can enjoy our time together.”
• “I’m in a place where I need some space around this right now. I’ll reach out when I can have a more relaxed conversation.”
• “I’m not comfortable discussing [topic] right now, but I’d love to talk about other things that matter to both of us.”

Remember: Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re the terms of engagement that protect your emotional well-being. They allow you to have control over what topics or behaviors are healthy for you to engage with and which ones aren’t.

Sometimes, stepping back from family interactions is the most compassionate choice. This might mean taking breaks from conversations, declining phone calls, or limiting in-person visits. Clear boundaries can create a sense of safety and control, helping you show up more fully in ways that feel authentic and respectful to you.

Communicating boundaries in a non-confrontational way can help protect your peace while minimizing conflict.

5. Shift from Approval-Seeking to Self-Acceptance

One way to build resilience in the face of judgment, coercion and criticism is to cultivate self-acceptance.

Shift your focus inward: Feel your feelings, and connect with your needs, values and longings. Take time to regulate your nervous system.

As an adult, you are no longer dependent upon family members’ approval for your safety and survival; you have more choices now – including distance. Affirm your own values, needs, experiences and beliefs.

Recognize that other people may react out of their desires for certainty, control, and the comfort of “being right”. Try to understand their reactions as expressions of their own sense of self and their own subjective experiences, instead of personalizing them as a reflection of you. If a family member says something dismissive, you might think to yourself, “This reaction reflects their beliefs and concerns, not my worth or who I am.”

Remind yourself why your values matter to you and affirm those values. For example, “I believe in compassion and understanding, even if others don’t see things the same way.”

If someone criticizes your choices, use self-affirmation: “I am making choices that feel true to me, and that’s enough.” This internal validation can remind you that your worth doesn’t depend on others’ approval.

And finally, you can use mantras to center yourself: Adding a short phrase like, “I don’t need others to agree with me to know my truth,” to family conversations can help refocus your energy on your own sense of worth rather than on gaining others’ approval.

Self-care is key here. Use this time to connect with people who support and understand you—friends, communities, or a therapist—where you can express yourself freely without judgment. Taking time for self-care can also help replenish your inner resources, so you can approach family dynamics with a clearer, more grounded mindset.

6. Reclaim Your Voice in Small Steps

Reclaiming your voice, especially with people who may be critical or dismissive and unwilling or unable to engage in productive ways, becomes more about expressing your views than about needing to convince others. Find ways to express yourself gently but clearly without seeking agreement or approval.

Use small, non-defensive statements. Find ways to express your values and positions without escalating tensions. (And, make peace with the fact that tensions may escalate no matter how well you say it, or how well you do it.)

For example,

• “I see that differently.”
• “We each have unique perspectives.”
• “I appreciate that we see things differently, and I want to be respectful of our differences.”
• “I know we don’t see eye to eye on this, and that’s okay. I value our relationship and believe we can respect each other even with different perspectives.”
• “This is something that’s really important to me, and I want to honor that part of myself. I understand if it doesn’t resonate with you.”
• “I appreciate hearing where you’re coming from, and I feel differently. I’d like to leave it at that.”

Repeating simple, respectful phrases can sometimes help convey that you’re not trying to change them—only asking them to accept your viewpoint.

You might at times want to respectfully assert your views, but avoid harsh debates by presenting them as personal truths rather than universal claims. This will help convey that you’re not seeking agreement, just seeking self-expression.

7. Recognize When to Step Back

Assess your energy and limits. If conversations feel too challenging, give yourself permission to take space. This may mean less communication for a period, which is an act of self-care, not rejection.

Communicate Your Need for Space: When appropriate, let others know you’re stepping back to focus on personal well-being. Frame it as a need to recharge, assuring loved ones that it’s not about rejection.

Here are some helpful scripts:

• “I care about our relationship, and right now I need a little time to focus on my own well-being. This isn’t about pushing you away—I’m just recharging so I can be more present when we connect.”
• “I’m taking a bit of time for myself to process everything and recharge. Please know this isn’t about us; it’s something I need to do to feel more balanced.”
• “I want to be honest—I’m needing a little break to focus on my own mental health. This will help me come back with more energy and openness, and I appreciate your understanding.”

8. Cultivate Empathy and Resilience

I mention this in the call on the podcast, but I know that we are wired for growth, learning and connectedness.  Settle into the knowing that living beings are fueled with intelligent life energy, and while the traumas of our lives may distort the growth for a while,  we can all can grow and adapt, even if we currently hold different views.

Remember that propaganda is a powerful form of brainwashing, no matter which “side” is employing it, and it doesn’t help us to be angry with ourselves or others when masses of people are being manipulated by a powerful media machine.  Remembering the enormity of what we are up against, and the curious, truth seeking and courageous life energy within us, helps me to ease frustration and build patience.

When you get particularly numb, scared or frozen, remember to practice self-regulation techniques: use mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing, to soothe yourself when fears and panics may rise. Self-regulation supports resilience, helping you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting.  In Human 101, I have an entire module devoted to how to work with your nervous system, and another for capacity building exercises.   You can get free access as a member, or just buy the course as a stand-alone program.

9. Embrace Your Chosen Family

Even if we feel like exiles in our families, we can find “our people” by intentionally cultivating connections with like-minded communities.  (You’re always welcome in my Conversations from the Heart Membership Community).  Seek out groups, friends, or communities that share your values. Having a supportive circle provides validation and reduces pressure on family interactions.

And, don’t be shy to seek out professional support. I credit the wide variety of deeply intuitive, smart, insightful therapists in my own life for the vast majority of who I have been able to become in my lifetime, and while the work is ongoing, it’s absolutely worth it for me.  A therapist or counselor can offer tools for coping, self-regulation, and communication strategies, especially in challenging times.

Looking after ourselves is empowering.  Focusing even more intentionally on our well-being and needs is a valid and powerful response to post-election stress because when we take care of ourselves, we are so much more able to live into our values of kindness, honesty, compassion and authenticity.  As we head into the stress of the holiday season, I hope you’ll embrace this time to protect your emotional well-being, strengthen your inner values, and foster healthy conversations in a way that respects both yourself and those around you.

To listen to a related conversation, enjoy Episode 68, where we discuss:

• 1:39  How do I explain to my family that I can’t talk to them?
• 4:55  Working with the concept of duty
• 9:48  Developing boundaries around our relational terms of engagement
• 15:32  What needs are met when I reach out?
• 18:19  The difference between the public self and the private self/fitting in vs. belonging
• 27:15  What makes taking the next step in personal growth easier
• 31:14  Closing thoughts

My online course How to Have Hard Conversations can help you navigate your next difficult conversation.  Register today and receive a roadmap designed to help avoid pitfalls and provide for deeper connection.

What’s missing from my list?  What helps you to engage in extreme self-care while standing for what you believe in during familial conversations?  I’d love to know! Leave a comment below.