There’s a version of love many of us were taught early on.
Love is patient.
Love is giving.
Love means showing up even when it’s hard.
And while there’s truth in that, there’s also a shadow side that doesn’t get talked about enough.
Because sometimes, what looks like love on the outside is actually self-abandonment on the inside.
The Trap of Being a “Good” Partner
In this episode, Luke shares a familiar struggle:
He’s deeply committed to his relationship.
He wants to love well.
He’s willing to do the work.
And yet he finds himself stuck in a pattern where he suppresses his own needs in order to give, and ends up feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
It’s hurting his relationship. And this isn’t a failure of effort. It’s a mismatch in how love is being practiced.
The Hidden Dynamic
When we overgive, we’re often operating from an unspoken belief: If I show up enough, they’ll meet me there.
But relationships don’t work like that.
Overgiving can actually create an emotional imbalance that can put pressure on the other person. It can also create a loss of authenticity, and eventually resentment.
Needs vs. Strategies
One of the most important distinctions in this conversation is this:
Your needs are valid.
Your preferred way of getting them met is not the only way to get them met.
For example, my need is connection, but if my strategy is You should validate me in this exact way, I’ve set myself up for a possible power struggle.
A Different Way Forward
Instead of giving, fixing or managing more, we can begin to practice:
- Staying present with our own emotional experience
- Naming what’s true without needing agreement
- Allowing tension and difference without collapsing or controlling
This is not easy work, but it’s real.
Turning Insight Into Action
Here are three small ways to begin:
1. Track your giving.
Notice when you’re giving from fullness vs. from hope or pressure.
2. Name your need (without strategy)
Instead of: I need you to…, try: I’m really needing connection / support / understanding right now.
3. Stay when it’s uncomfortable.
Practice staying present with difference instead of fixing or withdrawing.
Final Thought
Love doesn’t grow through self-sacrifice.
It grows through honesty.
Through presence.
Through the willingness to stay connected to ourselves even when it’s hard.
Listen to the full episode here.
