You know that moment—the one where your stomach drops, your chest tightens, and a hot wave of shame crashes over your body. Maybe you sent an email with the wrong attachment. Or missed your child’s school performance. Or got called out in a meeting and froze.

The mistake might be small, but the reaction? Not so much.

Your inner critic grabs the mic:

How could you be so stupid?

You always screw things up.

Now they’ll never trust you again.

Suddenly, it’s not about the mistake anymore—it’s about your worth.

So let’s talk about that.

Because what you say to yourself after a mistake matters more than the mistake itself.

Why Do I Spiral So Quickly After Making a Mistake?

When we make a mistake, especially one that touches our identity or relationships, our nervous system often doesn’t respond like, Oops, no big deal. It responds like, Code red! We’re under attack!

That’s because many of us grew up in environments where mistakes weren’t handled with curiosity or compassion. Maybe you were punished, mocked, ignored, or burdened with blame. Maybe love was withdrawn until you “got it right.”

So now, even small missteps can feel like existential threats.

What’s really happening?

Your nervous system is time-traveling. It’s pulling data from the past to predict danger in the present. And the harsh inner dialogue? That’s not your truest self. That’s the voice of your inner protector, trying, however clumsily. to keep you safe.

The Turning Point: From Punishment to Partnership

Self-talk after a mistake tends to go one of two directions:

Punitive: You messed up. You’re bad. You need to pay.

Protective: You’re scared. You’re human. Let’s figure this out.

Most of us default to the first, especially if we were conditioned to associate perfection with safety.

But here’s the good news: You can choose the second. And every time you do, you lay down new neural pathways. You start building a relationship with yourself based on kindness, not fear.

So, How Do I Talk to Myself Instead?

Let’s walk through a process you can try the next time you feel the shame-spiral coming on. (And heads up—it might feel awkward at first. That’s normal. You’re learning a new language.)

1. Pause and Name What’s Happening

Instead of immediately fixing the mistake or rushing to apologize, try slowing down.

Say something like:

Whoa. I’m having a big reaction right now.  My body’s flooding. My chest is tight. My brain feels scrambled.

This signals to your nervous system: I see you. You’re not alone. I’m staying with you.

2. Validate Your Experience

This is key. Before you analyze, explain, or rationalize – validate.

Try this:

Of course I’m upset – this matters to me.

This reaction makes sense, given what I’ve lived through.

It’s okay to feel this way. Nothing about this makes me bad.

When you offer yourself understanding instead of judgment, your whole system starts to settle.

3. Separate the Feeling from the Story

Now, see if you can tease apart the physical/emotional experience from the interpretation.

Example:

• Feeling: Tight chest, flushed face, pit in stomach.
• Story: They’re going to think I’m incompetent. I’ve ruined everything.

Can you gently name the feeling underneath?

I feel scared. Embarrassed. Exposed. Maybe a little regretful.

When we move from self-judgment to emotional honesty, we reconnect with our humanity—and our power.

4. Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love

If your best friend had made the same mistake, what would you say?

Probably something like:

You’re still lovable.

Everyone screws up sometimes.

Let’s figure out what you need.

Now say it to yourself.

Here are some lines I keep in my back pocket:

You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.

Mistakes are part of growth, not evidence of failure.

We can clean this up. You’re safe with me.

Say it out loud if you can. Your nervous system hears you better that way.

5. Reclaim the Narrative

Finally, once you’ve calmed your system and met your feelings with compassion, you get to choose your next step—not from panic, but from clarity.

Ask yourself:

• What’s the one small repair I can make right now?
• What does this teach me about what I care about?
• How do I want to support myself moving forward?

Mistakes become growth moments—not because you berated yourself, but because you stayed.

A Personal Note

In a recent conversation on my podcast, Conversations from the Heart, I spoke with Tiffany who described a moment where she discovered a small mistake – and immediately spiraled into self-loathing.

We unpacked how her nervous system confused the mistake with danger, and how her self-talk became a source of harm instead of healing.

We also talked about how powerful it is to reclaim words like “stupid,” to pause instead of perform, and to build relationships that don’t require us to earn love with perfection.

Because real self-acceptance doesn’t mean you never mess up again.

It means you know how to stay with yourself when you do.

Want More?

Episode 91 is packed with insights, laughter, and real-life examples of how to practice this. You’ll hear:

• How a wrong phone number on a business card led to a spiral of shame—and the exact steps to stop that spiral mid-spin.
• The difference between a true mistake and your nervous system screaming “life or death.”
• What ghosting actually tells you about someone—and how it might be the kindest exit you didn’t ask for.
• Why reclaiming the word “stupid” could be the most liberating thing you do all week.
• The power of building a life where you don’t have to earn love anymore—and can finally rest in being fully human.

🎧 Listen to Episode 91 here.

And remember…

You’re allowed to mess up.

You’re allowed to feel it all.

You’re allowed to learn in real-time.

And through it all, you are still worthy of love, belonging, and grace.

Especially from yourself.

Read more about handling mistakes on the blog! The Beauty of Imperfections 

How do you recover after making a mistake?  I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.