Have you ever found yourself wondering if you’re “normal”?
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It might happen at the moment when you’re feeling out of step with others, or maybe it shows up as a loud, persistent worry that you’re not measuring up.

What would your life look like if you let go of the idea that you need to be “normal” and, instead, embraced what is healthy, true, and nourishing for you?

Both Marshall Rosenberg and Riane Eisler have written at length about how domination systems – characterized by hierarchies, judgment, and the suppression of authentic needs – use the concept of “normal” to maintain hierarchies and control through fear and conformity.

How does this work?  Let’s dive in.

Normal: A Tool of Domination Systems

Cultural Conditioning:
In domination systems, cultural norms are designed to reinforce hierarchies (e.g., patriarchy, authoritarianism). The idea of “normal” supports these hierarchies by promoting behaviors and values that sustain power imbalances. For example, rigid gender roles or expectations around obedience are often framed as “normal” to uphold existing power structures.

Fear of Deviance and Moralistic Judgment:
Domination systems instill a fear of being “abnormal” or “different” because nonconformity threatens the stability of the hierarchy. When people fear being labeled as abnormal, they are less likely to challenge authority or seek alternative ways of living and relating.
Domination systems rely on moralistic judgments to label behaviors as “right” or “wrong,” “good” or “bad,” and “normal” or “abnormal.” When we internalize these labels, we disconnect from our authentic selves and our real needs. The concept of “normal” can thus become a judgment that pressures people to conform rather than express their unique humanity.

Internalized Oppression:
Over time, individuals within domination systems internalize the idea of “normal” as a measure of their worth. This internalized oppression keeps people policing their own behavior and suppressing their authenticity, perpetuating the system without external enforcement.  By defining a narrow range of what is “normal,” domination systems encourage people to suppress their needs and feelings if they don’t fit societal expectations. This suppression helps maintain control because individuals who silence their needs are less likely to challenge authority or seek change.

Suppression of Partnership Values:
Partnership systems prioritize equity, empathy, and mutual respect. Domination systems, however, frame these partnership values as “weak” or “abnormal” to discourage collaboration and maintain control. For instance, showing vulnerability or prioritizing emotional intelligence might be labeled as “not normal” in a rigid, hierarchical environment.

Denial of Responsibility:
When people act out of a desire to be seen as “normal,” they may deny their responsibility for their choices. Rosenberg often pointed out that statements like “I have to do this to be normal” reflect a lack of self-connection and personal agency. In a domination system, this denial of responsibility helps maintain the status quo.

Punishment and Reward Systems:
Domination systems reinforce “normal” behavior through punishment (shame, exclusion) and reward (approval, acceptance). By adhering to what’s deemed normal, people seek external validation rather than internal fulfillment, keeping them reliant on the system’s definitions of worth.

Normal vs Healthy

1. Normal is Statistical, Not Personal

The word “normal” is a mathematical (not moral!) concept. It describes what is most common or average (in a bell curve, it’s about 68%) within a given population.
For example, most people sleep around 7-8 hours a night. That’s a “normal” sleep pattern. But just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

if you’re someone who functions best with 9 hours of sleep, are you somehow “wrong”?
Of course not.
Normal patterns can give us useful benchmarks, but they shouldn’t define our personal experiences.
When we get too caught up in what’s normal, we risk ignoring what our own minds and bodies are telling us.

Instead of asking, “Is this normal?”, ask yourself: “Is this working for me? Is this supporting my health and well-being?”

2. Healthy is Subjective and Unique

While normal is about statistics, healthy is about thriving.
What supports your physical, emotional, and mental well-being?

And the definition of “healthy” is deeply personal. What works for one person might not work for another.

Maybe you need more solitude than your friends, or maybe you find joy in hobbies that seem quirky or unusual. These things might not be “normal” in the sense that they’re common, but if they nourish you, they are healthy.

Ask yourself: What does healthy feel like in my body and mind? Trust that your answer is valid, even if it doesn’t match the experiences of those around you.

3. Normal Doesn’t Equal Healthy

Just because something is normal doesn’t mean it’s good for us. For example, high levels of stress are normal in many workplaces, but they’re not healthy. Overworking to the point of burnout might be common, but it’s not a path to well-being.

Many of us adopt “normal” behaviors out of habit or social pressure, without questioning if they’re actually serving us. Let’s give ourselves permission to step back and ask: Is this healthy for me, or am I just doing it because everyone else is?

When we stop equating normal with healthy, we open ourselves to new possibilities and choices.

4. Societal Conditioning Shapes Our Idea of Normal

From a young age, we are conditioned to value certain behaviors and lifestyles. Our families, media, schools, and cultures all send messages about what’s “normal.” But these standards are often narrow and rigid, leaving little room for individuality.

Think about the images of success, beauty, and relationships that we see in movies or on social media. These depictions can make us feel like we’re falling short if our lives don’t match up.

The key is to recognize this conditioning and question it. Whose version of normal are you trying to live up to? Is it aligned with your true self?

5. Embracing Authenticity Over Normalcy

Living authentically means honoring your unique needs, desires, and boundaries. It means being true to who you are, even when that means standing out or being different.

I know, embracing authenticity can be scary.
We fear rejection or judgment.
We worry about being seen as “weird” or “too much.”
Yet, when we suppress our authenticity to fit in, we lose touch with ourselves.
We end up feeling disconnected and exhausted.

Remember this: true belonging happens when we are accepted for who we really are, not for who we pretend to be.

What parts of your authentic self are you hiding? How might you give those parts more space to shine?

6. Reframing the Fear of Being Different

It’s natural to want to belong. We are social creatures, and connection matters. But belonging doesn’t have to come at the expense of authenticity.

If you fear being different, try reframing that fear:

• Instead of “What if they don’t accept me?”, ask “What if I’m accepted for who I really am?”
• Instead of “I’m too weird,” try “My uniqueness brings something valuable to the world.”

The people who truly matter will appreciate you for your authentic self. Those who can’t may not be your people — and that’s okay.

7. Questioning the Costs of Conforming

When we strive to be “normal,” we often sacrifice parts of ourselves. We might suppress our creativity, our needs, or our dreams.

This conformity comes at a cost:

• Loss of Joy: We miss out on the things that make us come alive.
• Emotional Exhaustion: It’s tiring to pretend to be someone you’re not.
• Disconnected Relationships: When we hide our true selves, we can’t form genuine connections.

Ask yourself: What is being “normal” costing me? What would I gain by embracing who I truly am?

8. Normal is a Moving Target

The truth is, the definition of “normal” changes over time and across cultures. What was considered normal 50 years ago might be wildly different today. And what feels normal to you might not feel normal to someone else.

Chasing normal is like chasing a moving target — you’ll never quite catch it. Instead of trying to keep up, why not create a life that feels good to you?

Let’s stop measuring ourselves against a shifting standard and, instead, focus on what brings us peace, joy, and authenticity.

Letting Go of Normal, Embracing You

Letting go of “normal” isn’t about rejecting society or other people. It’s about choosing to live a life that is aligned with your truth.
It’s about recognizing that your needs, desires, and boundaries are valid — even if they’re different from those around you.

The Concept of Normal Is a Control Mechanism:
It enforces conformity and suppresses authentic expression, keeping individuals dependent on external approval.

Authenticity Is a Path to Liberation:
By reconnecting with our needs (Rosenberg) and embracing partnership values (Eisler), we can break free from the constraints of “normal” and create healthier, more equitable relationships.

Empathy and Awareness Are Essential:
Empathy for ourselves and others helps dissolve the judgmental frameworks of domination systems and fosters environments where authenticity can thrive.

Thee next time you catch yourself worrying about being normal, pause and ask:

• In what ways do I feel pressured to be “normal”?
• How might I express my needs more authentically?
• Is this healthy for me?
• Does this support my well-being?
• Am I honoring my authentic self?
• What would my relationships look like if they were based on partnership rather than conformity?

By exploring these questions, we can start to loosen the grip of domination systems and move toward lives that are genuinely healthy and fulfilling.

You weren’t born to be normal; you were born to be you. And that’s more than enough.

To listen to the conversations that sparked this deep dive, check out Episode 75: Letting Go of Normal where we explore boundary setting from an place of deep authenticiy and self-acceptance, and how to inspire change without coercion.

We discuss:

• 3:10 How can I remind others how I want to engage?
• 7:30 Care for the impact vs. responsibility for others’ reactions.
• 11:30 What is “normal”?
• 14:26 What the concept of normal is used for.
• 15:32 Why we want to inspire change.
• 18:55 Just because something is normal doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
• 22:20 The way domination systems use the idea of “normal” to enforce obedience and conformity.
• 30:30 The difference between normal and healthy.
• 35:02 The benefit of embracing our authenticity.
• 39:02 Questions we can ask ourselves to reflect

Do you get stuck in thought patterns that revolve around “normal” or “abnormal”?  Around “right” or “wrong”?  I’d love to know.  Write a comment below.