A Companion Guide to Episode #134 of Conversations from the Heart
Learning to grieve what never was … and to stop looking for water in a dry well.
One of the hardest truths we face in adult relationships is this: sometimes we love someone who cannot meet us where we are. Not because they are cruel or malicious, but because they are limited, defended, or simply unavailable in the ways we most need.
And even when we know this intellectually, letting go can feel excruciating.
In this episode of Conversations from the Heart, we explore why that pull back toward someone who can’t truly show up can feel so powerful, and why it’s not a failure of willpower or maturity. Often, it’s a sign that younger parts of us are still hoping for a different ending.
Why Letting Go Feels So Confusing
When an adult relationship echoes early attachment wounds, it doesn’t just engage our present-day self. It activates the child who wanted to be chosen, the teenager who hoped love would finally soften someone, the part of us that learned to keep trying rather than risk losing connection.
That’s why boundaries can feel clear one moment and impossible the next: one part of us knows the well is dry. Another part keeps checking anyway.
Understanding this internal split is crucial.
We’re not “regressing.”
We’re just being loyal to old survival strategies that once made sense.
Grieving What Never Was
One of the most important and most overlooked steps in letting go is grief. Not just grief for the relationship as it is, but grief for the relationship we kept hoping it could become.
This grief is often layered:
• Grief for the version of them we wished would show up
• Grief for the needs that went unmet
• Grief for the time and energy spent trying
Grieving doesn’t mean we made a mistake by loving. It means we’re honoring the truth.
From Fixing to Self-Trust
When we keep circling someone who can’t meet us, it’s easy to frame it as devotion or loyalty. But often, it’s a form of self-abandonment disguised as care.
This is where the distinction between codependence and interdependence becomes essential. Codependence asks, How can I change myself or them to keep this connection alive? Interdependence asks, Can this relationship support both of us as we are?
Letting go is not about becoming cold or detached. It’s about shifting our care inward — learning to trust ourselves enough to stop asking unavailable people to meet needs they cannot meet.
How to Begin Letting Go, Gently
Letting go doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in small, compassionate moments:
• When we notice the urge to reach out and pause instead
• When we name the longing without acting on it
• When we comfort the part of us that feels rejected or alone
We don’t exile these parts. We stay with them. We let them grieve. And over time, their grip softens.
Choosing Relationships That Can Actually Hold Us
Healing doesn’t mean we stop needing people. It means we learn to choose relationships where our needs are welcome: where care flows both ways, where effort is mutual, where love feels alive rather than strained.
If this speaks to you, the full episode offers a deeper, compassionate exploration of these dynamics, and a reminder that you are not broken for wanting what you want.
You’re human.
And you’re allowed to want more.
Letting go when you still love someone is not a failure of love.
It’s an act of self-respect.
And it opens the door to connections that don’t require you to keep drawing water from a dry well.
