Responding with love when kids act up can take intentionality, foresight and effort, but its a transformative move.

When kids act up and are experiencing disappointment, frustration, sadness, or anger, our instinct is often to soothe, solve, or distract. One of the hardest things a parent, mentor, or caregiver can do is watch a child struggle with overwhelming emotions and not immediately stepping in to fix or rescue them.

Although these are good instincts, borne out of a desire to help, I want to invite you to consider that your most powerful role isn’t actually to remove their discomfort – but rather for you to help them build the resilience to sit with it, process it, and move through it.

In this week’s Conversations from the Heart podcast episode, we explore two deeply moving situations involving children navigating difficult emotions.

One involves a young boy who took money from his mentor, leading to a rupture in their relationship. Another involves a seven-year-old experiencing big outbursts and deep anxiety as he struggles with his parents’ divorce.

In both cases, the adults involved were grappling with the same question:

How do we respond with love when kids act up so that we can build connection, rather than shutting them down?

Here are some strategies for you:

1. Validate Their Experience (Without Amplifying the Drama)

When a child is in distress, our words and energy set the tone for how they process it. We don’t want to dismiss or minimize their feelings (“It’s not a big deal, you’re fine”), but we also don’t want to escalate the situation (“This is terrible! I can’t believe this is happening to you!”).

Instead, try:

• “I see that you’re really upset right now. That makes sense.”
• “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here with you.”
• “You don’t have to figure this out right now. Let’s take a breath together.”

In the episode, the mother supporting her son through the transition of divorce found that grounding herself in calm reassurance helped him feel safer. She repeated phrases like, “This is hard, but we’re going to be okay.” She made space for his sadness without rushing to change it.  When kids act up, validation can help.

2. Help Them Name What They’re Feeling

Young children often lack the language to articulate their emotions. Instead, they act them out – through meltdowns, defiance, withdrawal, or aggression.  When kids act up,

Instead of saying “Calm down,” try:

• “I wonder if you’re feeling frustrated because things are different now?”
• “It seems like you’re feeling really angry about this. I get that.”
• “I can see that you really wish things could go back to the way they were.”

In the episode, a listener wanting to mentor a boy who had stolen money recognized that this child likely had unmet needs. Instead of labeling him as “bad” or focusing only on the behavior, he was encouraged to help the child explore what had driven his choices – whether it was anxiety, unmet needs, or survival instincts.

3. Hold Space for the Full Arc of the Emotion

Emotions have a natural beginning, middle, and end – if we don’t interrupt them. When kids act up and we rush in to problem-solve, we often cut off the process before the child has had a chance to fully experience, express, and move through their feelings.

Try sitting with them, rather than rushing to make it better:

• “It’s okay to be sad for a little while.”
• “I’m here. I’ll stay with you.”
• “You don’t have to stop crying – I’ll be right here.”

This was especially important for the child struggling with divorce. His mother’s work was to let his emotions exist without making him feel responsible for managing hers. She didn’t try to “fix” his sadness – she simply stayed present with it.

4. Offer Predictability & Stability

When kids act up, they might be overwhelmed and need a sense of what will stay the same to counteract what has changed. Creating predictable routines and clear expectations can help provide that anchor.

Ways to create predictability:

• Keep daily rituals (even small ones) consistent.
• Clearly communicate plans and transitions ahead of time.
• Follow through on what you say – show them they can count on you.

For the child struggling with the divorce, small acts – like setting up his own space in the new home – helped him feel like he had some control in a world that felt unpredictable.

5. Normalize Making Mistakes & Learning from Them

For kids who struggle with shame, it’s vital to remind them that mistakes are part of learning – not evidence that they are bad or unworthy.

You might say:

• “We all make mistakes. Let’s figure out what we can learn from this.”
• “Your feelings make sense. What do you need to make things right?”
• “I know you wouldn’t have done this unless there was an important reason for you. Let’s figure out what that was.”

This was key in the conversation about the boy who had stolen money. Instead of approaching the situation with judgment, the listener was encouraged to help the child explore what need he was trying to meet and how he could meet it differently in the future.

Your Calm Becomes Their Calm

When kids act up they don’t always need us to solve their problems, but they do need us to be a safe emotional anchor. When they sense that we can hold space for their big feelings, they learn that they can handle them, too.

So the next time your child is overwhelmed, ask yourself:

• Am I trying to “fix” this to make myself more comfortable?
• Can I allow them to feel this, without rushing them through it?
• How can I be a safe, steady presence – without needing to solve?

Because when children know they are fully accepted in their hardest moments, they grow into adults who trust themselves through life’s ups and downs.