loader image
The Sovereign listening archetype

 

YOUR LISTENING STYLE IS:

The Martyr

You tend to listen to others’ feedback with an ear for their criticisms,  blame, and judgments, then look for the ways that might be true about you and use it as a stimulus to take action and improve yourself.

Now that you’re here, I’ll show you how to turn your listening style to your advantage.

First of all…

watch the video below for a

Short Recap of Your Results

Explore The Martyr

Characteristics of the

Martyr Listening Style

People with this listening style hear criticism or blame and likely use it as a stimulus to take action to make themselves do or say something better. The part of you that is active as the Martyr tends to move into self-doubt and self-judgment and start looking for what is wrong with you that you need to change. You may have a habit of “throwing yourself under the bus” by taking more responsibility than is actually yours in relationship issues and glitches. You may assume that you are the problem or the one to blame and work on changing yourself in order to make things better change before things can be better.

Your listening style can be a strength that helps you take action immediately if someone has pointed out that you made a mistake or that you accidentally offended someone. You may be quick to take responsibility, but it often comes at the cost of your self-esteem or dignity.  

However, part of you carries high expectations of yourself, and that part of you is likely very critical of yourself. You may have perfectionistic standards for yourself and can easily fall into the trap of blaming and shaming yourself heavily.

But here’s the thing: you’re allowed to pause and connect with yourself before responding if someone criticizes or blames you for something you said or did. It’s also important to look beyond the surface when someone offers criticism or blame — to understand what they’re really feeling and needing. That’s how we can create deeper connections with ourselves and others. 

The Sovereign listening archetype

When you learn more about your superpowers and skills to work on, you can improve the harmony in your relationships, even when there’s conflict, and develop more self-acceptance. 

Characteristics of the

Martyr Listening Style

People with this listening style hear criticism or blame and likely use it as a stimulus to take action to make themselves do or say something better. The part of you that is active as the Martyr tends to move into self-doubt and self-judgment and start looking for what is wrong with you that you need to change. You may have a habit of “throwing yourself under the bus” by taking more responsibility than is actually yours in relationship issues and glitches. You may assume that you are the problem or the one to blame and work on changing yourself in order to make things better change before things can be better.

Your listening style can be a strength that helps you take action immediately if someone has pointed out that you made a mistake or that you accidentally offended someone. You may be quick to take responsibility, but it often comes at the cost of your self-esteem or dignity.  

However, part of you carries high expectations of yourself, and that part of you is likely very critical of yourself. You may have perfectionistic standards for yourself and can easily fall into the trap of blaming and shaming yourself heavily.

But here’s the thing: you’re allowed to pause and connect with yourself before responding if someone criticizes or blames you for something you said or did. It’s also important to look beyond the surface when someone offers criticism or blame — to understand what they’re really feeling and needing. That’s how we can create deeper connections with ourselves and others. 

The Sovereign listening archetype

When you learn more about your superpowers and skills to work on, you can improve the harmony in your relationships, even when there’s conflict, and develop more self-acceptance. 

why understand your

Listening Style

What if you had 2x more peace in all of your relationships — at work, at home, and with friends?

What if you could connect with the people who are most difficult to get along with from the wisest, most loving, and most playful part of yourself?

When you know where you are, you know where your next growth step is. You can also get more strategic about where your growth edge is. You can also set yourself on a path to creating deeper connection in your relationships with others, yourself, and your own life purpose.

To avoid getting stuck in the shame and blame cycle, let’s get clear on a game plan that’s accessible, attainable, and actionable.

 how to deeply listen to others as

The Martyr

21

practice

Practice observing someone else’s behaviors and words without judgment — separate what you observe objectively from personal value judgments about their behaviors and words.

30

connect

Stop self-sabotaging and self-judging, and instead connect more deeply to your own feelings and needs with more compassion. Translate self-judgments into the underlying feeling and needs to connect more intentionally with what you want, rather than what you think is wrong with you.

20

notice

Notice any time there’s an urge to shut down your own feelings when you hear someone else’s feelings. Connect back to how you feel, and tie how you feel with what you need. Practice describing out loud how you feel when you receive criticism, and immediately identify the need connected to your feeling. 

26

identify

When someone is criticizing or blaming you, see if you can identify what they’re really feeling and what their underlying need is. Lean in with curiosity. For example, ask something like, “Are you feeling hurt because you need consideration for your preferences?” This opens space for someone to express their deeper needs.

 how to deeply listen to others as

The Martyr

21

practice

Practice observing someone else’s behaviors and words without judgment — separate what you observe objectively from personal value judgments about their behaviors and words.

30

connect

Stop self-sabotaging and self-judging, and instead connect more deeply to your own feelings and needs with more compassion. Translate self-judgments into the underlying feeling and needs to connect more intentionally with what you want, rather than what you think is wrong with you.

20

notice

Notice any time there’s an urge to shut down your own feelings when you hear someone else’s feelings. Connect back to how you feel, and tie how you feel with what you need. Practice describing out loud how you feel when you receive criticism, and immediately identify the need connected to your feeling. 

26

identify

When someone is criticizing or blaming you, see if you can identify what they’re really feeling and what their underlying need is. Lean in with curiosity. For example, ask something like, “Are you feeling hurt because you need consideration for your preferences?” This opens space for someone to express their deeper needs.

 how to express yourself skillfully as

The Martyr

Take some time

When you receive something that feels like criticism or blame from someone else, you don’t have to jump to defend yourself right away. You can say something like, “I need some time to respond to this. Can I get back to you?”

Allow yourself to revisit later

If you don’t know how to respond to something someone says in the moment, allow yourself to revisit it later after you’ve had time to process. You can always loop back and say, “I didn’t have the words to say something in the moment, but I have them now. Here’s what I wish I had said, and I’d like to be in conversation with you.”

Get Curious

Get curious about any unmet or unfulfilled needs you have within yourself. Practice describing what you need and connecting it to how you feel. For example, “When I hear you say that I am selfish, I feel hurt because I need to hear words of affirmation to know I am loved.” 

Deepen your awareness

Deepen your awareness of when you start to take responsibility for someone else’s needs, and remember to stay in your own lane. You can care about other people’s feelings and needs without taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and needs

Request what you want

Know what you want to ask for and why you want to ask for it before you ask for it. Request what you want, not what you don’t want. 

I’m going to show you my framework and what you need to do to leverage the best parts of your listening archetype so that you can:

Build more peaceful relationships with others —imagine what’s possible when you use a proven framework to handle any charged moment with calm and peace. 

Deepen your sense of purpose — having a clear connection to your sense of meaning and purpose is integral to your well-being. Imagine reconnecting with your inner wisdom so you can make a meaningful difference in the world.

Create a stronger connection with yourself — this is what most communication archetypes overlook. I’ll help you understand why understanding your listening archetype is key to helping you gain more self-acceptance.

 specific action steps to take as

The Martyr

We all have blind spots, and yours is likely to be that you sometimes doubt your  own goodness and mattering. Your quiz responses suggest that you're overly-willing to take responsbility for things and that a part of you might struggle with some shame or guilt when others criticize or judge you. 

So, my friend, in case no one has told you this lately: There is nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and good enough, AS IS. 

The part of you that slides into a Martyr listening style is especially susceptible to self-recrimination and self-doubt, because your cultural conditioning may keep your attention on looking for something wrong with you so you can keep improving. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

As long as this part that is active as the Martyr realizes that there is nothing wrong with you, you don’t have to blame yourself unjustly. To avoid falling into the trap of sinking into self-collapse and self-shame, here’s what you can do:

18

01Surround yourself with people who affirm your goodness and help you feel seen and known.

02 When someone directs a criticism to you or says something offensive towards you, check in with yourself and regulate your nervous system before responding.  

03 Resist the urge to immediately blame yourself, overexplain, or agree that you’re in the wrong when someone else blames or criticizes you.

04Release judgment for having feelings and needs.

05 Embrace your own imperfections. 

06Give yourself space if you’re noticing yourself becoming defensive or afraid to engage in conversation.

 specific action steps to take as

The Martyr

We all have blind spots, and yours is likely to be that you sometimes doubt your  own goodness and mattering. Your quiz responses suggest that you're overly-willing to take responsbility for things and that a part of you might struggle with some shame or guilt when others criticize or judge you. 

So, my friend, in case no one has told you this lately: There is nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and good enough, AS IS. 

The part of you that slides into a Martyr listening style is especially susceptible to self-recrimination and self-doubt, because your cultural conditioning may keep your attention on looking for something wrong with you so you can keep improving. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

As long as this part that is active as the Martyr realizes that there is nothing wrong with you, you don’t have to blame yourself unjustly. To avoid falling into the trap of sinking into self-collapse and self-shame, here’s what you can do:

01Surround yourself with people who affirm your goodness and help you feel seen and known.

02 When someone directs a criticism to you or says something offensive towards you, check in with yourself and regulate your nervous system before responding.  

03 Resist the urge to immediately blame yourself, overexplain, or agree that you’re in the wrong when someone else blames or criticizes you.

04Release judgment for having feelings and needs.

05 Embrace your own imperfections. 

06Give yourself space if you’re noticing yourself becoming defensive or afraid to engage in conversation.

Meet Dr. Yvette Erasmus
I know what it’s like to struggle to express myself authentically because I don’t want to make things worse with other people. I know what it’s like to be stuck in power struggles feeling lonely with the conflict and disconnection in my relationships at home and work.  Sometimes this is because I was afraid to own my power and set the boundaries I needed to because I was afraid of damaging my relationships.

I’ve spent a lifetime unlearning self-sabotaging habits and developing the skills and insights needed to communicate in relational ways with myself and others so that I can live an authentic, empowered and connected life. 

As a licensed clinical psychologist and life-long educator, I’ve created an online learning and practice community dedicated to helping others understand themselves better, develop more self-compassion and communicate more effectively.

Untitled design

My Recommendations

for you

Based on your listening archetype, here are a few videos from my YouTube channel to help you keep strengthening your listening skills as a Martyr invested in self-improvement so that you can connect more deeply with others, yourself, and with the meaningful difference you are meant to make in the world:

NEXT STEPS

Ready to take these practices to real life and specific relationships? 

Here’s what I want for you…

I want to see you become the most authentic, empowered, and connected version of yourself that is loving to others and yourself.

That’s why in addition to your results, I want to invite you to my free group calls that happen each Wednesday morning, called Conversations from the Heart. 

Feel free to bring your questions or just lurk and learn to apply compassionate communication, nonviolent relationship tools, and psychological insights to practice in your life to specific relationships. 

Now that you’re part of my community, be on the lookout for an email from me where I’ll send you an invitation. 🙂

With much love and tenderness –

Dr. Yvette Erasmus