How do you know when it’s better to diving into problem-solving with someone, or if it’s better to offer more emotional presence? This week’s podcast focuses on this question, and we delve into the subtle internal changes necessary to switch from offering solutions to offering an opportunity to connect more deeply.
When someone comes to us with frustrations or emotional struggles, our first instinct might be to offer solutions, give advice, or find ways to “fix” the situation. But, the problem is that while that can be helpful in certain contexts, a more analytic response often misses people’s desires and deeper needs for connection and understanding—which is at the heart of meaningful relationships.
Today, we’ll explore why shifting from problem-solving to emotional presence can transform the way we relate to others.
We’ll dive into the core reasons we default to problem-solving, why it can sometimes backfire, and how emotional presence creates space for healing, trust, and deeper connection.
The Problem with Problem-Solving in Relationships
When someone comes to us with a difficult situation or emotional distress, it’s natural to jump into problem-solving mode. We want to help. We want to make things better. However, when we focus solely on finding solutions, we may unintentionally send a message that the other person’s feelings aren’t important—or worse, that their emotions are something to be fixed.
Here are some of the ways problem-solving conversations can go off track:
It creates a power dynamic.
Offering solutions can come across as assuming authority or control over the other person’s experience, suggesting that we know what’s best for them.
It invalidates emotions.
When we offer advice too soon, the other person may feel dismissed—as though their emotions are inconvenient obstacles in the way of solving the issue.
It can be overwhelming.
People in emotional distress often aren’t ready to focus on solutions—they need to feel heard and supported before they can engage with solutions.
It shifts focus away from connection.
In many cases, what the other person really needs is empathy and emotional presence, not a step-by-step plan.
Why Emotional Presence Matters
Emotional presence is the act of being fully present with someone in their emotional experience—without trying to fix, change, or analyze it. This shift in approach creates space for authentic connection and helps the other person feel seen and valued just as they are.
Here’s why emotional presence makes such a profound difference:
It meets our need to feel heard.
Everyone wants to feel understood and validated. Emotional presence communicates: “I see you, I hear you, and your feelings are valid.”
It fosters trust and safety.
When people feel that their emotions are welcomed rather than dismissed, it builds a sense of safety—a foundation for deeper trust in the relationship.
It helps emotions process naturally.
Often, people don’t need their problems solved—they just need a safe space to express emotions. Once emotions are acknowledged, the person may naturally gain clarity about what to do next.
It promotes mutual understanding.
Being present with someone’s emotions opens the door for greater empathy and mutual understanding. This kind of presence strengthens the emotional bond between two people.
How to Shift from Problem-Solving to Emotional Presence
Shifting from problem-solving mode to emotional presence takes practice, especially if you’re used to offering advice or solutions. Here are a few strategies to help you stay present with someone’s emotions without slipping into problem-solving mode.
1. Slow Down and Stay Curious
When someone shares a challenge with you, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Instead, slow down and get curious about their emotional experience. Ask open-ended questions like:
“How are you feeling about this right now?”
“What feels most important to you in this situation?”
This approach honors the person’s emotional process and encourages them to reflect on their feelings.
2. Validate Their Emotions First
Before exploring possible solutions, acknowledge the person’s emotions. This simple act of validation can make a huge difference.
Examples of validation:
- “That sounds really hard. I can understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
- “It makes sense that you’d feel that way given what’s happening.”
Validation communicates that their feelings are valid, which helps them feel seen and accepted.
3. Ask What They Need from You
Sometimes, we assume people want advice when all they really need is a listening ear. Asking what they need helps you align your response with their expectations.
Example questions:
- “Do you want advice, or do you just need someone to listen right now?”
- “How can I best support you in this moment?”
This approach shows respect for their autonomy and invites them to take ownership of their emotional process.
4. Practice Active Listening
Active listening means being fully present with the other person—without interrupting, judging, or offering solutions.
This involves:
- Maintaining eye contact
- Reflecting back what you hear (“It sounds like you’re really frustrated about that.”)
- Noticing non-verbal cues like tone of voice or body language
- Active listening helps the person feel deeply heard, which can be more powerful than any advice you could give.
5. Resist Your Urge to Fix
When someone is upset, it’s natural to want to ease their pain by offering solutions. However, trust that they are capable of finding their own way forward.
Instead of fixing, try asking:
- “What feels most important to you right now?”
- “What do you think might help you move forward?”
This encourages self-reflection and helps them reconnect with their own inner wisdom.
The Benefits of Emotional Presence in Relationships
When we practice emotional presence, our relationships naturally become more authentic, meaningful, and resilient.
Here are some of the long-term benefits:
1. Deeper Connection
Emotional presence helps people feel truly seen and understood, which deepens the emotional bond between them.
2. Greater Trust
When someone knows they can share openly without being judged or fixed, it builds a foundation of trust and psychological safety.
3. More Empowered Conversations
By shifting away from problem-solving, we empower others to take ownership of their emotional journey. They learn to trust themselves and their ability to navigate challenges.
4. Less Stress and Emotional Burnout
Trying to fix others’ problems can leave us feeling drained. Emotional presence allows us to stay supportive without taking on the emotional weight of another person’s struggles.
When Is Problem-Solving Helpful?
Of course, there are times when problem-solving is necessary—such as when someone directly asks for advice or when the conversation is focused on practical solutions. The key is to tune into the other person’s needs and respond accordingly.
Tip:
Before offering solutions, ask:
“Would it be helpful if we brainstorm some ideas?”
“Do you want advice, or just someone to listen right now?”
This ensures your response is aligned with what the other person truly needs.
Embrace the power of presence. In a world that often emphasizes productivity and solutions, emotional presence offers a powerful way to connect with others on a deeper level. When we shift from problem-solving to being present, we create space for authentic connection, healing, and growth.
The next time someone comes to you with an emotional challenge, try practicing emotional presence instead of jumping into solutions. You may find that what they really need isn’t advice—but simply to feel heard.
And along the way, you’ll discover that offering presence, rather than solutions, creates a richer, more meaningful experience—for both of you.
Take a listen to this week’s conversation, and then try practicing emotional presence in your next conversation and notice how it shifts the dynamic.
Connection happens when we slow down, listen deeply, and show up with care.
Do you find yourself wanting to show up with more than problem-solving solutions? What makes that challenging? I’d love to know. Leave a comment below.
