Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling undermined, small, dismissed, or questioning yourself? Maybe you shared something personal, only to have the other person immediately take the other side or explain away your experience? It can leave you feeling undermined, like your voice doesn’t matter.
But here’s something important to understand—feeling undermined isn’t actually a feeling at all. It’s an interpretation of what we think someone is doing to us. It’s a way of describing an experience that doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t name the emotion itself.
And this distinction matters. Because when we can get clearer on what’s actually happening inside of us—when we can name the real emotions and needs at play—we stop giving our power away and start reclaiming it. Here’s a practical roadmap to help make this shift towards reclaiming our power.
Step 1: Feeling Undermined? Develop Emotional Literacy
One of the first ways we reclaim our power in these situations is by getting specific about what we’re actually feeling.
Saying I feel undermined often points to deeper emotions, such as:
- Hurt – because we needed care and understanding.
- Frustration – because we wanted our experience to be validated.
- Disappointment – because we were hoping for connection but got something else instead.
- Confusion – because we started doubting our own perspective.
When we name what we’re truly feeling, we bring clarity to our inner world. And when we have that clarity, we can make better choices about how to respond.
Step 2: Shift Your Perspective
One of the biggest traps we fall into is thinking someone is doing something to us.
- They’re dismissing me.
- They’re undermining me.
- They’re trying to make me feel small.
But when we frame it this way, we automatically put ourselves in a prey position—we become powerless in the dynamic.
Instead, what if we saw these interactions as data?
- This person tends to take a contrarian stance.
- This person defaults to advice instead of empathy.
- This person has their own needs that are shaping how they respond.
When we reframe it like this, we stop seeing ourselves as victims of their behavior. We step out of the freeze response and into a place of choice.
Step 3: Break the Victim Cycle
When someone doesn’t respond the way we hope, our nervous system might react as if we’re under attack. We freeze, withdraw, or even start doubting ourselves.
But recognizing why people do what they do can be liberating.
Many people who dismiss or contradict us aren’t trying to hurt us. They may:
- Have a need to contribute and think offering advice is helpful.
- Feel more comfortable analyzing than offering empathy.
- Have their own wounds that make them uncomfortable with emotions.
Seeing their behavior as their habit rather than a personal attack helps us break free from the cycle of feeling powerless.
Step 4: Practice Self-Connection
A common mistake we make in these moments is looking to the other person to validate our feelings.
If we don’t get that validation, we may feel even more unseen, unheard, or unimportant.
But instead of relying on them, we can turn inward:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What do I need?
- How can I give that to myself?
For example, if you’re feeling dismissed and needing empathy, instead of waiting for them to offer it, you can acknowledge to yourself:
That interaction didn’t meet my need for connection. I need to talk to someone who can hold space for me.
When we stop outsourcing our sense of worth to other people’s reactions, we reclaim our emotional power.
Step 5: Ask for What You Want
If someone consistently invalidates your experience, you can redirect the conversation.
For example, if you say, I was really hurt when they didn’t text me back, and the person responds with, Well, they were probably busy, instead of shutting down, you could say:
I hear you, but what I really need right now is for you to help me process how this felt for me.
This brings awareness to the dynamic and gives the other person a chance to shift.
Step 6: Exit with Grace
Sometimes, the best way to protect our energy is to step away.
If someone consistently talks over you, minimizes your feelings, or monopolizes the conversation, you don’t have to stay and endure it.
A simple way to disengage is:
I just realized I need to get going.
No need for explanations. No need for justifications. You are allowed to remove yourself from spaces that don’t nourish you.
Step 7: Redefine Selfishness
Many of us have been conditioned to believe that prioritizing ourselves is selfish.
But here’s the truth: when we take care of ourselves, we show up better in our relationships. When we stop engaging in draining dynamics, we free up energy for the people and experiences that truly matter.
True self-connection isn’t about shutting others out. It’s about making sure we don’t disappear in the process of being there for them.
And if someone accuses you of being selfish? You can simply ask:
That’s interesting. What makes you say that?
This keeps you in a place of curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Feeling “undermined” is often a signal that we’re longing for recognition, respect, and deeper connection. But rather than waiting for others to give it to us, we can take steps to create it for ourselves.
By shifting our perspective, staying connected to our emotions, and setting clear boundaries, we reclaim our power in conversations—and in our lives.
So next time you find yourself feeling dismissed, ask yourself: What am I really feeling? What do I need? And how can I meet that need in a way that truly empowers me?
That’s where real change begins.
Listen to a conversation where we walk through these steps in Episode 87 of the podcast.
How have you handled feeling undermined or dismissed? I’d love to know. Leave a comment below.
