Have you ever tried to have an emotional connection or vulnerable conversation with someone who just isn’t interested in “going there”?

I know this feeling well—the desire to form an emotional connection while bringing all my feelings, needs, and good intentions forward – and wanting to share them with another person, hoping for some empathy, to be seen and known, to be accepted, and instead of leaning in, they brace against me, and start defending themselves or criticizing me.

Or, I am picking up on a vibe and inviting someone to talk about it and open up, hoping that we can debrief and connect, and they respond by shutting down the conversation and asking me to just “let it be.”

What makes it a struggle for some people to form an emotional connection?

So. Many. Things.

Maybe they’ve been raised to believe that discussing feelings is inappropriate or a sign of weakness. Maybe they’ve been trained to feel responsible for people’s emotions, and now experience other people’s negative feelings as a painfully failing report card on them.

Maybe they’ve been blamed for their feelings and haven’t had enough experiences of empathy or understanding for themselves.

When people haven’t yet developed a strong emotional literacy, they can struggle to articulate their feelings and emotional conversations can actually be quite frustrating and uncomfortable for them.

They may not want to be vulnerable with you yet (or ever) and may associate feelings-based conversations with being criticized, judged and controlled – making them even more defensive and avoidant.

People who struggle to express feelings may feel that others don’t truly understand them, making them less likely to attempt emotional conversations. This can make it difficult to establish an emotional connection, as they may feel disconnected or misunderstood.

Discussing feelings might be associated with arguments or confrontations, leading them to want to avoid these conversations altogether.

Some people feel overwhelmed by the intensity of emotional conversations and prefer to avoid them in an attempt to keep themselves safe and regulated.

Whatever the reason, when someone is disconnected from their own feelings and needs, pushing for more feelings and needs in conversations with them can create more distance instead of more connection.

How do we create an emotional connection with people who struggle to express their feelings?

We focus on creating relational conditions that are safe and trustworthy, and that means replacing two key things – Judgments and Demands – with new relational experiences based on acceptance, consent and non-verbal empathy.

Wait for Consent
When someone doesn’t want to “go there,” stop trying to coerce them into it, and instead work to build more safety, acceptance and understanding into the spaces between you. What one person sees as deepening a connection through emotional sharing, another might view as intrusive or unnecessary.

Instead of pressuring other people to talk about feelings, work on conveying as much acceptance of their preferences and limits as possible and show up in ways that communicates that you’re willing to listen without judgments if and when they are ready or want to.

Non-verbal Empathy
Try not to see their reluctance to talk about feelings as a problem to be solved or overcome. Meet them where they are at. What are they willing to talk about? Join them there. Where will they “go” with you? Enjoy that. In the early stages it may mean focusing on shared activities and interests to build an emotional connection without the pressure of verbal communication.

Convey your care and empathy in non-verbal ways, like smiling, laughing, nodding, seeing them through kind eyes – instead of constantly wanting to name and identify feelings verbally.

Honor Individual Differences
Instead of trying to get them to “level up” their emotional vocabulary and meet you in your world, start by joining them in theirs. Some people need more time to process their feelings internally before they want to share them with others.

Respond to Non-verbal Cues
Non-verbal cues can be a critical way to enhance emotional connection when words aren’t enough. Watch for all the nonverbal cues that let you know what feelings may be present in each moment: emotional expression isn’t alway verbal or direct, and it doesn’t “have to” be. Pay attention to body language and facial expressions. By tuning into these subtle signals, you can strengthen the emotional connection without needing them to verbalize their feelings.

You can always name or acknowledge what you’re observing without demanding an explanation. For example, if you notice someone tearing up but not wanting to talk about it, you could say, “It seems like something important is coming up for you right now.” In this way, you can offer support without requiring them to articulate their feelings.

Lead by Example with Self-Disclosure
Watch for moments where you can share your own feelings and experiences, demonstrating vulnerability to create an atmosphere of openness. Create small, baby-step experiences where the naming of an emotion or feeling doesn’t turn into an opportunity to try to change one another, shape each other, demand something from each other, or identify wrongness or not enoughness in each other.

Build experiences that show that emotional connection can be safe and beneficial.

Enhance Emotional Connection by Focusing on Needs Instead of Feelings
When people struggle to express emotions or have emotionally laden conversations, you can still have deep connections when you instead frame conversations around their needs and requests instead of emotions. Reveal yourself by using “I” statements to express your own needs and experiences, and ask them more about their needs, preferences and desires.

We are building trust over time by respecting people’s boundaries and not pushing them for more than they’re ready to give, while consistently showing up in ways that show we’re a safe person to open up to. We can look for ways to show care and support that align with their comfort zone, instead of insisting that it take the form of an explicitly “feelings and needs” discussion, and we can also celebrate and nurture the positive aspects of the connection we already have.

By consistently showing up as a safe person, we’re building trust into the relationship, which is foundational for a meaningful emotional connection to develop over time.

Be in it for the long game: it takes patience to allow the relationship to deepen naturally.

Finally, we may also need to take time to grieve the inherent limitations that this relationship may present to us. People can only connect with us to the extent that they are connected to themselves. People can only empathize with us, to the degree that they are able to empathize with themselves. If someone isn’t interested in deepening their self-connection, in developing deeper relationships with their emotions and their needs, that person is also not going to be able to meet our needs in these spaces.

In your generous attempts to work with others as they are, always make sure that you are caring for your own needs and not abandoning yourself in the process. Recognize your own need for emotional connection, honor your desire for emotional intimacy and make wise choices about where, and when, and with whom those needs are more likely to be well met for you. Whether it’s with this person or others in your life, remember that nurturing a genuine emotional connection is essential for both your well-being and the health of your relationships.

Ultimately, establishing an emotional connection with someone who struggles to express feelings requires patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of their needs.  It also requires an honoring of individual communication styles while maintaining acceptance and respect for your own need for meaningful connection.

Listen to some live examples of how this might work and sound in this week’s podcast episode, where we cover:

• 1:11  How can I connect with someone who can’t work won’t talk about his feelings?
• 8:13  If someone is unhappy, that must mean something is wrong, right?
• 12:11  How our agenda is often an obstacle to authentic connection
• 19:42  How can I find closure with my ex-best friend?
• 23:46  I want her to open up but she won’t
• 28:34  My dad is ill; how do I talk to others about his impending death?
• 34:53  I’ve heard through the grapevine that my friend is upset with me:  should I bring it up to her?

Are you someone who struggles to open up to yourself, or others?  Find helpful tips by reading Opening Your Heart to “Them”, and Why It’s So Hard.

What helps you to build more emotional connection with people who struggles to express their feelings?
I’d love to know.  Leave a comment below.