A practical companion to Ep 133 of Conversations from the Heart
Most of us want to help our children (and ourselves) grow into strong, confident, and resilient humans.
At the same time, we don’t want to push too hard, cause unnecessary distress, or recreate the kind of pressure many of us grew up with.
So we find ourselves asking: How do we support growth without overwhelming the nervous system? How do we do hard things without shutting down?
This is where attunement, pacing, and discernment matter.
Finding the Line Between Empathy and Enabling
Empathy is about understanding and honoring someone’s experience. Enabling happens when empathy quietly turns into removing all discomfort. When we rush in to rescue every time something feels hard, the unspoken message becomes: “This is too much for you.”
Maybe this will be a helpful reframe for you:
Empathy says “I’m with you.”
Enabling says “I’ll do it for you.”
Growth usually lives in the middle: where someone feels supported but still gets to stretch.
The Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD) for Emotional Growth
The Zone of Proximal Development refers to the space where learning happens best—not too easy, not too hard. Emotionally, this means challenges that are just beyond what someone can do comfortably on their own, but still within reach with support.
When we stay inside this zone, effort builds confidence. When we push beyond it, we get overwhelm or shutdown. When we stay below it, we get stagnation. Our job isn’t to eliminate struggle—it’s to calibrate it.
Staying Attuned to Your Child’s Unique Pace and Capacities
No two nervous systems are the same. One child may thrive with a gentle nudge; another may need a slower on-ramp. Attunement means watching cues: breath, posture, tone, energy, withdrawal, irritability. These signals tell us when a child is stretching versus when they’re flooding.
Instead of asking “Should they be able to do this by now?” we can ask, “What’s their next doable step?” Growth isn’t a race; it’s the natural outcome of a supportive and boundaried relationship.
Why Discomfort Is the Soil for Confidence
Confidence doesn’t come from never struggling; it comes from surviving and moving through that struggle with the right level of support. When children (and adults) move through discomfort and come out the other side, something important gets installed: “I can do hard things.”
Avoidance may reduce anxiety in the short term, but it often increases fear over time. Discomfort, when titrated and supported, builds capacity.
The key is staying present, naming feelings, regulating together, and allowing effort without shaming.
Modeling Agency and Resilience, for Kids and Ourselves
One of the most powerful things we can do is model our own relationship with difficulty. When we narrate our process:
“This is hard, I’m feeling nervous, and I’m taking it one step at a time”
This is how we teach agency without preaching.
Resilience isn’t about toughness; it’s about flexibility, self-trust, and repair.
When our kids see us try, pause, ask for help, and keep going, they learn that strength includes self-compassion.
Doing hard things well isn’t about pushing through at all costs. It’s about staying connected to ourselves and each other while we stretch.
With empathy, pacing, and presence, hard things become not something to fear, but something we know how to meet.
