Where Do You Get Stuck?

by | Apr 30, 2019 | Personal Growth


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As I sit down to write to you this week, I’m struck by how much emotional turmoil has been swirling around this week.

In conversations with my clients, family members, friends, and yes, conversations with myself … many strong feelings have ranged from generalized “venting,” to distress about loaded topics, to deep sadness and grief, to acute loneliness and despair.

No matter what conversation I’ve been in – whether it’s been about bemoaning how there never seems to be enough time, how mean teenage boys can be and how much high school sucks, or how exasperating it is to keep working with people who seem to live in a different century or on a different planet, I keep thinking about what we each need to be practicing on a daily basis if we want to show up as a force for good in this world.

This begins with inner work, so here are a few signposts to help you get started!

1. Suffering from shame and self-judgment?

Practice self-compassion.

  • Find ways to soothe yourself, to ground yourself, to see your true goodness.

  • Stop swirling in the illusions and lies you absorbed during your early years.

  • Find strength in your vulnerability and start giving voice to everything that has been secretive in your life.

  • Come into congruence, into integrity.

  • Stop hiding from yourself and others.

  • Show up.

  • Risk being seen.

2. Caught up in anger and righteousness?

Practice perspective-taking and empathy.

  • Find ways of opening your heart and opening your mind.

  • Stop blaming others.

  • Begin seeing everything people do as an attempt to meet deeply universal human needs.

  • Tame your judgments and put your focus on solutions instead of accusations.

  • Let in new information.

  • Cultivate a willingness to shift your perspective.

  • Soften.

  • Risk being vulnerable.

3. Stuck in people-pleasing and codependence?

Practice the protective use of force and open-hearted boundary setting.

  • Learn to say No. No. No.

  • Playfully. Firmly. Gently. Frequently. Wholeheartedly.

  • Find out what a Wholehearted Yes feels like in your body and commit to only those yesses that energize your whole body.

  • Care about how you feel: your feelings matter; take them seriously.

  • Learn how to ask for what you want.

  • Speak up.

  • Risk having a voice.

We are each leaders in our lives, and we lead the way into the future we want to create by modeling, offering and embodying the very qualities we wish to see more of in the world.

I’d love to hear from you:

Tell me, which of these patterns do you find yourself stuck in most often, and what has helped you move into a more empowered and collaborative mindset when you’ve found yourself there?

I’d love to know, so leave a comment below!

2 Comments

  1. Tom Esch

    Great article Yvette! I think for me it is the people pleasing…what does a Wholehearted Yes feel like in my body? Great Q. I intend to practice this. Thanks.

    Reply
  2. Kelsy Kuehn

    When I get stuck in anger and righteousness I have to first notice that that’s where I am. I am becoming more successful at this initial step. After taking that space I have to resist the urge to focus on the other person and really take stock accurately and honestly about what need(s) are not being fulfilled. It is very difficult for me to be honest during this assessment and to really appreciate that it is important that my need(s) are not being met. Once I can own that I can usually come up with a scenario that will fill the need(s). The next difficulty is sticking to what events or situations I need to feel fulfilled. I often do not honor myself and just figure I will be OK if I don’t get the need met. What results is resentment. The few times I have followed the process through I sometimes spend some minutes feeling guilty for putting my needs first. Occasionally it will all fall into place and I feel free. It is like a cool breeze on a hot day. Ahhhhh.

    Reply

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