When You Don’t Know What To Say

by | Nov 12, 2019 | Nonviolent Communication

As I was facilitating a group last week, a male participant I’ve known for a long time directed some sexually-laden, provocative comments to me in front of the group.

Although I was caught off guard, I began by bantering something back (I hardly remember what I even said) attempting to field this with grace while redirecting our collective focus back to what we’d originally been discussing.

Instead of changing course, however, he continued with a couple of follow-up comments in a similarly sexually suggestive vein, and for a moment, I found myself just staring at him intently while I tried to figure out what to say or do next.

Stuck between my good-girl conditioning (he doesn’t mean it, he’s just being playful, don’t make waves, don’t overreact) and indignant judgments (WTF just happened? Did you really just say that to me, here and now? Excuse me??), I bought myself time.

We’ve all been there, right?

That moment when something completely unexpected gets said and we literally lose access to our voice, our words.

We are rendered speechless.

And then, hours later, a wealth of reactions, feelings and responses all come tumbling in.

While there is so much to unpack and understand about the complexities of this moment, I want to reflect here for a moment on my own learning and how skills that I really thought I had were nowhere to be found in that moment.

What I learned and discovered about myself:

  1. Despite years of training in communication, healing and personal development, I can still be rendered speechless, go into a freeze reaction with no access to what I’d really like to say. I was only able to find the words I wanted, after the fact … (more on this below!)

  2. I don’t believe in either the judgementalism of call-out culture or in minimizing triggering statements just because someone has good intentions and “didn’t mean it”.

    I want a third way: One in which everyone is held with care and regard, the unaware person gets kind, direct feedback and we can come together for mutual understanding, learning, self-responsibility and growth.

  3. As a strong female leader, I don’t want to be sexualized at work. I also don’t enjoy repressive and puritanical cultures in which we can no longer be playful and have fun with one another. I want a safe middle ground in which we calibrate our language to context.

  4. I can always buy myself time and don’t have to have all the right words on the spot. Later, I looped back to this person, and we had an insight-oriented, connecting conversation about what had transpired for each of us. He was open and mortified that his comments had had the effect that they did. I appreciated being able to share what it had been like for me and be met with care, regret and self-reflection from him.

Every moment is training for the next moment. Hindsight is 20/20.

I received quite a few emails from people in that group, and one woman in particular asked me for some new strategies that she might use in similar situations. So, with that in mind …

I want to introduce you to Kasia Urbaniak’s work.

Even though I have completed most of her trainings and know this work (in my head!) I simply haven’t practiced it enough to have it fully available to me in my body, in the moments that I need it … yet!

Her Verbal Self-Defense Dojo is free (I highly recommend it!) but, if you just want my adapted cliff notes, here are three strategies to keep in mind the next time that you’re gifted with a triggering, inappropriate, ambiguous, threatening, or provocative comment, and you want to respond with clarity, confidence and compassion.

  1. Make the implicit explicit; clear up ambiguity.

    The problem with ambiguity is that it creates a culture in which we feel triggered and uncomfortable, but we don’t feel able to call others out or defend ourselves because we will be accused of misunderstanding or overreacting. When we can’t name harmful behavior, we minimize it, excuse it, and pass it off. Then it’s allowed to set the tone and the culture.

    So, begin by making the implicit message, more explicit.

    Imagine this person had said something like, “Watching you work the room makes me wish we were in bed together… If you were my type, you’d really be in trouble… ”

Clearing up the ambiguity and gently confronting the comment might sound like this:

  • It seems like you are trying to compliment me, is that true?

  • It also seems like you are trying to be playful with me, is that true?

  • It seems like you’re saying that I am not your type, but that if I were your type that you would overpower me, is that true?

  • It also seems like you’re feeling entitled or free to make sexual comments about me in this public space, is that true?

Regardless of what they say, you will get one of three answers: they will deny, affirm, or correct your statement, and no matter what they do, you then ask follow-up questions from a place of curiosity.

2. Get off the spot when under pressure by asking questions.

Use questions to create space and play not to shame.

When I’m on the spot, I tend to play defense. I feel like I have to participate in a game that I didn’t want to be a part of in the first place. Get yourself out of the spotlight by changing the game. Instead of answering or responding, simply ask more questions. (See examples below under #3)

3. Calibrate for Context: Does this person invite a light touch or a heavy touch?

Sometimes we just don’t know if it’s innocent, ill-intentioned, or malicious. There is a big difference between people who actively abuse their power, and people who are just clumsy or insensitive. Also, what feels innocent and playful in one context, can be harmful and hurtful in another.

Here are some examples of questions you could ask in the moment:

Light Touch (said in gentle and friendly ways when you’re assuming miscommunication or unawareness and wanting to gently redirect or raise awareness)

  • Would you mind keeping sexual comments out of this space?

  • What is it about making these comments in this room at this time that is appealing to you?

  • What impact are you hoping to have on the group by making these comments?

  • What are you hoping these comments might get you?

  • Would you say things like this to men, too?

Heavy Touch (said with confidence and curiosity, when you’re wanting to increase discomfort or intensity and set a firm limit)

  • What makes you think that this is an appropriate place to make comments like this?

  • Did you really just suggest that you’d like to sleep with me if I were your type?

  • Do you think it’s appropriate to speak to me in this way, at this time?

  • Do you realize that sexualizing my leadership might make a woman feel uncomfortable?

  • Do you enjoy making provocative comments that make others feel uncomfortable or are you just insensitive to the impact you’re having?

In real life, your relationship with the person and the context within which a comment is made will help you discern out the right amount of pressure/pushback that you’d like to exert in any given situation.

A question that sometimes comes up is this:

Why bother to calibrate? Why do I have to do that? Can’t I just call them out and teach them a lesson or give it back?

The outcome I want is increased openness, learning, growth, awareness, and more trust and safety in as many relationships as possible. I don’t want to shame and blame; I don’t want to split or fragment people further.

If I say nothing or too little, no learning happens. If I bring harshness and judgment, no learning happens. And I’m all about the learning. I’m all about moving forward, together.

A final word: I’d love to have been able to actually use some of these skills in real life last week, but I hadn’t practiced them enough myself to have them fully internalized and available to me in the moment.

I’m reminded that it’s not enough to just know something: we need active practice using the words, saying out new scripts, hearing new things, and going through role plays with people in safe spaces.

Join me at a practice group or online to engage in active practice – behind the scenes of your real life – so that you are ready for compassionate, confident and clear action the next time that you are on the spot too!

I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever been in a similar situation? What helped you to protect yourself and still care for all people in the moment? Leave a comment below.

6 Comments

  1. Pam Lauer

    Such a powerful post, Yvette. Some wonderful insights and clarity – so much learning for me – thank you! And I so appreciate your humility and courage in sharing your own experience of not having access to your skills in the moment when you were startled and taken aback. This humility and courage actually help me to have more compassion for myself. My heart goes out to you for how hard that was and I’m also celebrating how you took something really hard and wrought it into a gift for those of us who learn from you.

    Reply
  2. Tim Reardon

    I am mortified and so sorry for my comments last week. I owe you all an apology.

    I’m so delighted that the strength of our relationship allows us to learn from an interaction and help our group address and learn from my incredibly insensitive and triggering behavior and comments.

    What I intended to be playful, and bring humor, was incredibly insensitive, lacked good judgment, triggered so many who are victims of male sexualization that is super charged in our "Me Too" era and the era of having a President who advocates and condones sexually abusing women as if it is a right of being a white privileged male.

    I was mortified to know my comments triggered and hurt people at a very core level. As soon as a member of the group let me know how triggering it was for her I was horrified and realized just how hurtful, insensitive, and harmful me as a white privileged male my power and control and that of my brother men has hurt women for centuries, traumatized countless, and continues to cause violence against women, and perpetuates inequality.

    As a feminist and advocate for human (equal) rights I’m sincerely sorry. I was so wrong. I apologize.

    Being a gay man gives me no excuse to pretend I can somehow be humorous to an issue that has been so hurtful for so long. I am part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution. My fellow brothers and I, need to address our collective violence, abuse and attitudes, beliefs and actions that negatively impact women.

    I clearly have work to do on myself. I invite my fellow men to see my example as a lesson on what never to do. And I welcome my sisters to call me, and of us men out for perpetuating a culture that condones such horrific abuse and bullying.

    I look forward to our conversation tomorrow.

    Reply
  3. Mary Welch

    WOW! Once again you are a brilliant shining example of leadership, wisdom, authenticity, and loving intentions acted upon with compassion for self and others. Namaste Yvette.

    Reply
  4. Jacqueline

    I am in awe of how you live your message. A true leader who does not use their power to have "power over," nor to blame or judge or condemn, but rather to build, learn together, to open conversations and dialogue and create a space for healing and change. I salute you Yvette. With appreciate and Respect. Jacqueline

    Reply
  5. Sharon

    Love this post, very helpful and I hope to be able to use it in real life time. When you returned to this person were your suggestions what you used? I would like to hear more how you approached the repair.

    Reply
  6. PAUL ROBINSON

    Once in a while I don’t do something and it pays off for me. Like that email I didn’t send written in full frustration or anger.
    I read Yvette’s weekly newsletter in complete disbelief. Well, not complete, but close. The main lesson I learned from the #MeToo was the way men have been treating woman for centuries. Not just big names, but everyday men. It’s really tough being one of the good guys, but being judged by all the crap women have been forced to experience.
    When I read the newsletter I thought here we go again.. I wrote a tirade that expressed my frustration with yet another example of a man with a lack of basic understanding of how to respectfully treat another person.
    I got caught up at work and lost my rant. Which is a good thing, because this isn’t about me.
    I’m sorry for the people who had to witness what appears to be someone’s poor sense of humor.
    Thank you Yvette for your graciousness and for taking a negative and turning it into a teaching moment.

    Reply

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